So, I've been ruminating on this quite a bit, what it means to be me. This is not especially about being trans*, but more about my personality. Over the course of my life so many people have tried to stifle me, control me, stop me from being me. I know why, not many people can handle my need to be busy, have fun and socialise.
I know my personality is big, I know it shits or scares some people and for that reason I've spent years thinking about trying to change it, or actually trying to be different.
NO MORE
I am me.
I'm loud, bold, straight forward and a bit naughty. Guess what?
Not changing. I mean if there are serious things that need to be address then yes I will, I see a counsellor
and she helps keep me on track and address change where it is needed, however, the core of my personality is who I am and I LOVE ME!
Just my self reflection for today :)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Chest photos AND link to chest video youtube
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| Day 3 |
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| Ready for surgery! |
Day 8
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| 3 weeks |
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| 4 weeks |
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| 6 weeks |
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| 7 weeks |
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| 10 weeks |
Link to the surgery update vid I just uploaded to youtube http://youtu.be/S1jGtEmpQWs
'Editing my life story' from Tyler
This is the first guy I saw on youtube, he was really helpful, answering my questions etc. Here he is discussing some issues with being stealth and how it feels he is 'lying' through his editing his life story, wondering what other guys think?
http://youtu.be/eA1ah4VZR50
http://youtu.be/eA1ah4VZR50
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Chest Surgery (video to follow)
Hey everyone, I thought it was about time for me to write and post some pics about my chest surgery. There are a LOT of videos and pics around on the web (youtube in particular) about ftm guys having their chest surgery. Many of them are young, slim and have not too much in the 'chesticles' department. I haven't actually seen one yet that isn't, barring a few that are posted onto the ftm photo share group on facebook.
So here's the thing, pre surgery and some years back now....the last icky girl type thing I had to buy to hold up the chesticles was a D cup. That's not the only issue though, Dr. Bartholomuesz (the plastic surgeon) also takes a measurement of how far the skin has stretched over the years underneath the chesticles, as that is the part that has to be brought up to meet top part of the chest and where the nipple goes. The longer the stretch is the more flesh there will be to have to tidy up.
If I had the 'underneath' type cut (life a half moon, same as they do with women having breast reductions)
I know it would be much flatter immediately, however for me I didn't want to have the 'boobs were here' scar. I'm also nearly 40 so that makes a huge difference in how the skin elasticity is!
Anyhow, I'm going to put together a montage (anyone thinking Team America now lol?) and a video of how it currently is, so if you don't want to see it for whatever reason just be aware of that.
So here's the thing, pre surgery and some years back now....the last icky girl type thing I had to buy to hold up the chesticles was a D cup. That's not the only issue though, Dr. Bartholomuesz (the plastic surgeon) also takes a measurement of how far the skin has stretched over the years underneath the chesticles, as that is the part that has to be brought up to meet top part of the chest and where the nipple goes. The longer the stretch is the more flesh there will be to have to tidy up.
If I had the 'underneath' type cut (life a half moon, same as they do with women having breast reductions)
I know it would be much flatter immediately, however for me I didn't want to have the 'boobs were here' scar. I'm also nearly 40 so that makes a huge difference in how the skin elasticity is!
Anyhow, I'm going to put together a montage (anyone thinking Team America now lol?) and a video of how it currently is, so if you don't want to see it for whatever reason just be aware of that.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Post surgery - the good and the bad
Howdy all, though I would write some stuff down about surgery. I'm stoked! I have a flat chest it's looking a bit lumpy and may stay that way but we're not sure yet as it's only been 4 weeks. I may need to have a revision but a year of losing weight and working out will inform me of that!
I love my chest, I love being able to wear what I want and not have people stare at me, though the occasional person still does. Some people still 'see me' sometimes :)
The pain is almost gone, there is just now discomfort from a bit of swelling, plus the stitches reduce my capacity to move. The stitches are dissolving ones that are underneath the skin (to reduce scarring) and take up to the 3 months to dissolve so no gym till then, which is frustrating but I can walk at least!
Another effect is that I'm experiencing a bit of the post surgical blues, which I know is often quite normal. It can be due to the effect of the anesthetic plus the reduced capacity to do anything physical. It's really unfortunate at this time that my work contract ended just before surgery and now I'm looking for a new job as I only have a few hours casual work. So there are a few things going on for me, I know this is all affecting me and making me blue and I know also, that it will pass! Unfortunately, it leads to a serious lack of motivation to do anything at all!
Has anyone else experienced this after surgery?
over and out, billy t
I love my chest, I love being able to wear what I want and not have people stare at me, though the occasional person still does. Some people still 'see me' sometimes :)
The pain is almost gone, there is just now discomfort from a bit of swelling, plus the stitches reduce my capacity to move. The stitches are dissolving ones that are underneath the skin (to reduce scarring) and take up to the 3 months to dissolve so no gym till then, which is frustrating but I can walk at least!
Another effect is that I'm experiencing a bit of the post surgical blues, which I know is often quite normal. It can be due to the effect of the anesthetic plus the reduced capacity to do anything physical. It's really unfortunate at this time that my work contract ended just before surgery and now I'm looking for a new job as I only have a few hours casual work. So there are a few things going on for me, I know this is all affecting me and making me blue and I know also, that it will pass! Unfortunately, it leads to a serious lack of motivation to do anything at all!
Has anyone else experienced this after surgery?
over and out, billy t
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Post chest surgery update!
Well folks, I had chest sugery last week with Dr. Bartholomeusz, I haven't seen the outcome yet as the bandages are still on and the drains are still in, but await updates!
It went really well except for waking up vomiting and the ensuing pain afterwards, however it's been kept at bay with the right drugs and now it's just over a day till the drains come out!
I will post some pics once I'm healing up :)
Billy
It went really well except for waking up vomiting and the ensuing pain afterwards, however it's been kept at bay with the right drugs and now it's just over a day till the drains come out!
I will post some pics once I'm healing up :)
Billy
Monday, May 16, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Update (and body stuff!) and lots of stuff about me really....you've been warned!
So, it's been a year since I started to Transition (at least in the medical sense by taking Testosterone) and I thought I would start a new blog as I have changed a lot in the last year and feel very little connection to my old one.
So here's the news for now both good and bad, given there is very little info around about T and the effects I will outline them all:
PRONOUNS
So, I get it, I'm in the 'middle stages' of transition. I find that women try to make me fit their gender and men want me in theirs (thank bob for them!). Still only the other day at Tilleys I was mis gendered AGAIN! I can't believe it. I guess there may be a disparity between how I see myself and the world sees me....I dunno! I think that if I was really thin sometimes that might help me look more angular or something, but that might just be my weight issues.
However, I expect those who know and love me to get it right, and mostly they do which is so wonderful! I can't say how tired of am of hearing the wrong ones, I know I know...be patient blah blah blah....I'm quite tired of being patient, and irritated that other guys after 6 months on T get sir'd all the time...what is it with my stupid body? Can't it read my brain????
Neon light flashing 'DUDE DUDE DUDE' from my brain!!!
Sexuality is another issue that is coming up more often now....in the last decade, I've gone out with women and shagged the occasional guy, I feel this might be changing though I'm quite happy to let that one sort itself out over time. Anecdotally this is also not uncommon for trans guys.
I have my chest surgery in 95 days, if you're interested here is a link of a guy who had his done a few years back http://www.ftmaustralia.org/transition/surgeries/photos/2007.html
I'm so excited about chest surgery! I wonder if this will stop people fucking it up?
I can't wait for chest hair to grow! I already have some, and a furry tummy so I suspect i'll be getting some :D
I'll soon be making a video update on youtube and I'll post a link here.
Next I'm going to write a blog about the gender binary and how it affects me as a trans man!
Billy
So here's the news for now both good and bad, given there is very little info around about T and the effects I will outline them all:
- I experienced an increasing amount of headaches and also an increase in migraines, I usually get 1 a year, I've had about 5 or so but both seem to have eased off now
- I've had some pretty awesome hair growth, I can pretty much grow a goatee now, though the mo is a bit behind, fairly common I believe!
- In the first 6 months, I experienced a desire to withdraw...in fact more like an inability to interact with people, I spent a lot of time in bed watching shows and reading books
- I have seen my body shape change; now I have half the arse I used to have, and the fat from my hips is now sitting on my gut!
- I feel stronger, have more energy most of the time and often feel like running at 11 at night, though again that's settling down.
- Muscle grows overnight, I'm always excited! I also put my shoulder out going 'gung ho' at the gym and had to take some time off from weights.
PRONOUNS
So, I get it, I'm in the 'middle stages' of transition. I find that women try to make me fit their gender and men want me in theirs (thank bob for them!). Still only the other day at Tilleys I was mis gendered AGAIN! I can't believe it. I guess there may be a disparity between how I see myself and the world sees me....I dunno! I think that if I was really thin sometimes that might help me look more angular or something, but that might just be my weight issues.
However, I expect those who know and love me to get it right, and mostly they do which is so wonderful! I can't say how tired of am of hearing the wrong ones, I know I know...be patient blah blah blah....I'm quite tired of being patient, and irritated that other guys after 6 months on T get sir'd all the time...what is it with my stupid body? Can't it read my brain????
Neon light flashing 'DUDE DUDE DUDE' from my brain!!!
Sexuality is another issue that is coming up more often now....in the last decade, I've gone out with women and shagged the occasional guy, I feel this might be changing though I'm quite happy to let that one sort itself out over time. Anecdotally this is also not uncommon for trans guys.
I have my chest surgery in 95 days, if you're interested here is a link of a guy who had his done a few years back http://www.ftmaustralia.org/transition/surgeries/photos/2007.html
I'm so excited about chest surgery! I wonder if this will stop people fucking it up?
I can't wait for chest hair to grow! I already have some, and a furry tummy so I suspect i'll be getting some :D
I'll soon be making a video update on youtube and I'll post a link here.
Next I'm going to write a blog about the gender binary and how it affects me as a trans man!
Billy
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