When I was 17 I gave birth to an unplanned child, she is now 24 and has a 4 year old and I love them both dearly. For this reason I'm glad a mistake of the universe gave me ovaries instead of testes, though if I could change it, any person on the earth should be able to gestate and give birth should they choose.
Anyhow, for the last few days it has felt like someone has kicked me in both ovaries. Here's my confession; I went to the dr yesterday about this awful virus/infection I have but I did not address this ovary pain issue with the dr for two reasons; one he wasn't my regular dr and I have a healthy fear of transphobia (which is alive and well in health care) and two there were about a million people waiting to see this poor dr who was the only one on duty and running round like a mad man!
Add to that I feel I was given the wrong body bits and that a dr will have to discuss and possibly touch those bits.
Fortunately I've been able to get in to my wonderful Dr this afternoon and my lovely partner will come with me and hold my hand.
I'm not the only transgender person to have these fears and out off health checks till the last minute, these are well documented
It sucks really
Over and out
Monday, April 29, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Anxiety
Anxiety is a new beast to me and I'm getting a bit over it.
I am about to write stuff that will 'out' my current sense of feeling weak and vulnerable so be gentle with me!
Yesterday evening I caught a train from home to Newtown by myself, a 20 minute trip. I felt nervous about it for no particular reason but I decided I needed to do it anyhow, so I spent the whole trip shaking. I actually just want to stay home and do stuff I enjoy or get out into nature. I'm finding social gatherings incredibly difficult also, me the extrovert!! This is disturbing in itself.
One of the main problems however is that I feel shit about it. I get distressed by my own inability to function how I'd like to then I beat myself up then I feel like my friends won't want to bother with me anymore and that it will affect my relationships. Then I spiral into feeling down and more anxious. I'm seeing a counsellor but the bottom line is I feel like I'm stuck with this now and it shits me
Anyhow just wanted to share and hope that it might better explain me to anyone who's wondering where I've been lately
Billy
I am about to write stuff that will 'out' my current sense of feeling weak and vulnerable so be gentle with me!
Yesterday evening I caught a train from home to Newtown by myself, a 20 minute trip. I felt nervous about it for no particular reason but I decided I needed to do it anyhow, so I spent the whole trip shaking. I actually just want to stay home and do stuff I enjoy or get out into nature. I'm finding social gatherings incredibly difficult also, me the extrovert!! This is disturbing in itself.
One of the main problems however is that I feel shit about it. I get distressed by my own inability to function how I'd like to then I beat myself up then I feel like my friends won't want to bother with me anymore and that it will affect my relationships. Then I spiral into feeling down and more anxious. I'm seeing a counsellor but the bottom line is I feel like I'm stuck with this now and it shits me
Anyhow just wanted to share and hope that it might better explain me to anyone who's wondering where I've been lately
Billy
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The past
Sometimes I think about all the people I went to high school with and how they had their final year all together and then stayed in shepparton and are still friends. It makes me envious at times.
I think about the amazing experiences I've had, places I've lived and visited as well as the life experiences I've had and still have every day and the amazing love I'm experiencing and I wouldn't swap it for anything!
I think about the amazing experiences I've had, places I've lived and visited as well as the life experiences I've had and still have every day and the amazing love I'm experiencing and I wouldn't swap it for anything!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Asthma, Dr update
Following up on all the asthma mishaps of recent times
I went to the Dr a few weeks back and he gave me a stronger preventer and took a bunch of blood from me. I returned yesterday to get the results and discuss further. In the meantime, I've started to exercise again and thought the pool would be a great low impact way to do so. In the three trips I've made I've had 2 mild asthma attacks and one pretty scary one (almost went to the hospital). On the last trip to the pool in Queanbeyan, I didn't exercise I just hung out in the water with the grandling. Not only did I have another mildish asthma attack, but I also had a rash down both arms; mysterious!
So for now, no pool and only very mild walking as breathing isn't great. I'm waiting for the new meds to kick in as I only started four days ago, pretty sure I didn't take it right the first day either! Additionally, the Dr thinks the ongoing stomach swelling (causing asthma) is stress related, and I may also have an allergy to something in Sydney as it's only happened since mid February. To address this he's given me a week of prednisolone to reduce any swelling or treat any allergy and we'll go from there.
UPDATE:
5 days on the steroids now, feeling slightly better though my stomach is ridiculously swollen despite avoiding junk food and coke (until today).
I'm still pretty tired but not as bad as I was two weeks ago, who knows what the hell is going on! I just want to feel good again and get back out walking and swimming!
Billy
UPDATE 6TH NOVEMBER
Back to the Dr yesterday for blood results etc; firstly he thinks I've been harboring the giardia bug for months, hence bloating and causing my stomach to push up into my lungs causing breathing issues so today I downed 4 'smack it in the face' anti-biotics to see if I get better, I should know by tomorrow! If not we'll try a week of them then look at other possibilities.
However, the best outcome was an explanation of WHY I've been so damn tired all the time, no sleep or rest helped at all! Turns out, in his words, I'm 'slightly anemic in that my hemoglobin count was 9 and should be as noted here; 'For men, anemia is typically defined as hemoglobin level of less than 13.5 gram/100 ml and in women as hemoglobin of less than 12.0 gram/100 ml. These definitions may vary slightly depending on the source and the laboratory reference used.'
That gives me some much needed context and some hope that it may be easily solved! I have had an iron deficiency in the past that iron tablets picked up a bit - my body doesn't absorb iron well for some reason. I'm a meat eater and I LOVE and eat green leafy stuff, even throwing it in my shakes (thanks for that idea Vic). So now I'm on a two month iron tablet + vitamin c (it helps absorption when taken together) to see if that helps. There are many thoughts and much research on iron absorption and how we should get it from food etc etc, but some of us can't get it from food well enough to stay alert and awake, hence I shall take this journey and maybe this is what I'll have to do ongoing!
Fingers crossed I feel like a human again soon!
Billy bear
I went to the Dr a few weeks back and he gave me a stronger preventer and took a bunch of blood from me. I returned yesterday to get the results and discuss further. In the meantime, I've started to exercise again and thought the pool would be a great low impact way to do so. In the three trips I've made I've had 2 mild asthma attacks and one pretty scary one (almost went to the hospital). On the last trip to the pool in Queanbeyan, I didn't exercise I just hung out in the water with the grandling. Not only did I have another mildish asthma attack, but I also had a rash down both arms; mysterious!
So for now, no pool and only very mild walking as breathing isn't great. I'm waiting for the new meds to kick in as I only started four days ago, pretty sure I didn't take it right the first day either! Additionally, the Dr thinks the ongoing stomach swelling (causing asthma) is stress related, and I may also have an allergy to something in Sydney as it's only happened since mid February. To address this he's given me a week of prednisolone to reduce any swelling or treat any allergy and we'll go from there.
UPDATE:
5 days on the steroids now, feeling slightly better though my stomach is ridiculously swollen despite avoiding junk food and coke (until today).
I'm still pretty tired but not as bad as I was two weeks ago, who knows what the hell is going on! I just want to feel good again and get back out walking and swimming!
Billy
UPDATE 6TH NOVEMBER
Back to the Dr yesterday for blood results etc; firstly he thinks I've been harboring the giardia bug for months, hence bloating and causing my stomach to push up into my lungs causing breathing issues so today I downed 4 'smack it in the face' anti-biotics to see if I get better, I should know by tomorrow! If not we'll try a week of them then look at other possibilities.
However, the best outcome was an explanation of WHY I've been so damn tired all the time, no sleep or rest helped at all! Turns out, in his words, I'm 'slightly anemic in that my hemoglobin count was 9 and should be as noted here; 'For men, anemia is typically defined as hemoglobin level of less than 13.5 gram/100 ml and in women as hemoglobin of less than 12.0 gram/100 ml. These definitions may vary slightly depending on the source and the laboratory reference used.'
That gives me some much needed context and some hope that it may be easily solved! I have had an iron deficiency in the past that iron tablets picked up a bit - my body doesn't absorb iron well for some reason. I'm a meat eater and I LOVE and eat green leafy stuff, even throwing it in my shakes (thanks for that idea Vic). So now I'm on a two month iron tablet + vitamin c (it helps absorption when taken together) to see if that helps. There are many thoughts and much research on iron absorption and how we should get it from food etc etc, but some of us can't get it from food well enough to stay alert and awake, hence I shall take this journey and maybe this is what I'll have to do ongoing!
Fingers crossed I feel like a human again soon!
Billy bear
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The thesis
Doing a Master's thesis is hard, it's even harder when you have to work up to three jobs and none of those are stable. It's even harder when the supervisor seems to have it in for you. That's how my masters has unfolded anyhow.
I got my marks back today, 56%. I'm pissed off at me, the system and the supervisor. I hardly had any help from her and most of the time was flying by the seat of my pants, other students noted they were in a similar boat.
I'm glad it's over, I'm glad I passed, but I'm very disappointed at my mark. This is where I turn all the fingers at me and my inner voice tells me I'm a failure, I should have been better, I could have tried harder, you're not smart enough etc etc...and who knows, maybe some of that's true! I know I'm not a genius and that I actually have to try quite hard to get good marks. I tried really hard...so I don't know why I got such a shit mark.
I did do it in half the recommended time and had a tough subject that none of the lecturers knew about - I could have picked something easier with more qualitative content I guess...but I'm glad I got to do some research about trans* and intersex stuff.
Anyhow, here's to hoping it doesn't affect my PhD acceptance, though reading my confirmation (upon passing masters) it doesn't look like it will.
Onwards and upwards I guess.
Billy
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Fuck you asthma!
I find myself using this blog to say things I might find hard saying verbally. It's a good thing.
When I was 7, I was told I had asthma, just like that! I was sitting in school in Kyabram and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe properly. I had no idea what was going on, but I remember going to the hospital and the Dr asking mum how my asthma had been lately...she said I didn't have it, and he said well you do now!
I remember a lot about that year. We were living in Kyabram with one mum's cousins (who had also married one of dad's brothers!). Dad had gone to Queensland to work with the army up there. (Apparently, also to live with a woman, but that's another story). Just before this all unfolded, my little brother had died. He was born when I was 4 and had microcephaly, which is basically a brain that is too small and under formed. Craig wasn't meant to live longer than a few days, but he was almost 2 when he died! Craig had grand mall seizures, never cried, talked or moved...but oh how I loved him! He was so cute and chubby, and he smelled like baby powder...in my young brain, sending me to school when I was 5 was terribly cruel - taking me away from him! I'm pretty sure I made up reasons to stay home :D.
The year preceding the diagnosis of asthma was horrid, especially for a kid with no control over anything. I can only begin to imagine what my mum went through, but that's her story.
Anyhow...asthma treatment in 1978 was not fantastic; it was a nebuliser with ventolin or cortisone injections if it became worse. That first year I remember mum taking me to my cousin Libby's house to use her nebuliser as I'm pretty sure mum couldn't afford one. I had lots of tonsilitis too, so I feel like I spent the year between 6 and 7 sad or sick.
After a couple of years, a tablet became my next drug (theophylline) as well as some puffers that tasted like SHIT! I still had to be careful about sport, which has always been a trigger for me. I had to often be inside when my older brother and our friends were playing outside in the evening because it was too cold. I had to be careful not to have wet hair at night, or get when when it was cold....and so on. There were so many precautions that mum had to enforce because I was too young and/or irresponsible.
Years of sleepless nights were ahead for mum, sitting up as she watched me sleep, my breathing in a bad way...they were scary years for me too. During my early teens, the drugs began to improve and I began to be able to play sport and I got into it for a while; hockey, badminton, basketball, softball....maybe I was making up for lost time! I took up part time smoking at 12 (yeah stupid right?)At around 15/16 I found alcohol, then in the middle of my 16th year I found myself about to be a parent (yep still smoking). Turns out incubating causes wild asthma too - I had long trips to hospital that year, up to 8 days at a time. I ended up chucking in smoking at 21ish, good decision!
Eventually that all passed and the asthma drugs got better, and through my 20s I got back into sport and exercise. Once I hit about 32, the asthma started going downhill for no explainable reason.
In the last 3 years, it has become even worse. I guess the thing is, there are very few moments in my life when I breathe 100% well, when I say I have asthma, I mean that it has become worse. I never know what's going to trigger it these days, and most of the time I can't work out what did it!
Needless to say, I'm off to the Dr this morning to get a stronger preventer (with stronger side effects :/) and for a referal to an asthma/allergy centre running here.
Lung function is not great at the moment and I spend time worrying about what will trigger it next. That's the other thing; it's not just the physical stuff. When living with a life threatening illness there is psychological stuff too - about death, but also about being constantly restricted in phsyical activity. It's great to say to lose weight I need to exercise 3-4 times a week, but sometimes I'll have a week or two where I can't do anything; it gets me down and makes it much harder to maintain an exercise routine.
It's hard to have an invisible illness.
Anyhow, I'll admit it, I'm writing this for me! I just wanted to share it with you all.
When I was 7, I was told I had asthma, just like that! I was sitting in school in Kyabram and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe properly. I had no idea what was going on, but I remember going to the hospital and the Dr asking mum how my asthma had been lately...she said I didn't have it, and he said well you do now!
I remember a lot about that year. We were living in Kyabram with one mum's cousins (who had also married one of dad's brothers!). Dad had gone to Queensland to work with the army up there. (Apparently, also to live with a woman, but that's another story). Just before this all unfolded, my little brother had died. He was born when I was 4 and had microcephaly, which is basically a brain that is too small and under formed. Craig wasn't meant to live longer than a few days, but he was almost 2 when he died! Craig had grand mall seizures, never cried, talked or moved...but oh how I loved him! He was so cute and chubby, and he smelled like baby powder...in my young brain, sending me to school when I was 5 was terribly cruel - taking me away from him! I'm pretty sure I made up reasons to stay home :D.
The year preceding the diagnosis of asthma was horrid, especially for a kid with no control over anything. I can only begin to imagine what my mum went through, but that's her story.
Anyhow...asthma treatment in 1978 was not fantastic; it was a nebuliser with ventolin or cortisone injections if it became worse. That first year I remember mum taking me to my cousin Libby's house to use her nebuliser as I'm pretty sure mum couldn't afford one. I had lots of tonsilitis too, so I feel like I spent the year between 6 and 7 sad or sick.
After a couple of years, a tablet became my next drug (theophylline) as well as some puffers that tasted like SHIT! I still had to be careful about sport, which has always been a trigger for me. I had to often be inside when my older brother and our friends were playing outside in the evening because it was too cold. I had to be careful not to have wet hair at night, or get when when it was cold....and so on. There were so many precautions that mum had to enforce because I was too young and/or irresponsible.
Years of sleepless nights were ahead for mum, sitting up as she watched me sleep, my breathing in a bad way...they were scary years for me too. During my early teens, the drugs began to improve and I began to be able to play sport and I got into it for a while; hockey, badminton, basketball, softball....maybe I was making up for lost time! I took up part time smoking at 12 (yeah stupid right?)At around 15/16 I found alcohol, then in the middle of my 16th year I found myself about to be a parent (yep still smoking). Turns out incubating causes wild asthma too - I had long trips to hospital that year, up to 8 days at a time. I ended up chucking in smoking at 21ish, good decision!
Eventually that all passed and the asthma drugs got better, and through my 20s I got back into sport and exercise. Once I hit about 32, the asthma started going downhill for no explainable reason.
In the last 3 years, it has become even worse. I guess the thing is, there are very few moments in my life when I breathe 100% well, when I say I have asthma, I mean that it has become worse. I never know what's going to trigger it these days, and most of the time I can't work out what did it!
Needless to say, I'm off to the Dr this morning to get a stronger preventer (with stronger side effects :/) and for a referal to an asthma/allergy centre running here.
Lung function is not great at the moment and I spend time worrying about what will trigger it next. That's the other thing; it's not just the physical stuff. When living with a life threatening illness there is psychological stuff too - about death, but also about being constantly restricted in phsyical activity. It's great to say to lose weight I need to exercise 3-4 times a week, but sometimes I'll have a week or two where I can't do anything; it gets me down and makes it much harder to maintain an exercise routine.
It's hard to have an invisible illness.
Anyhow, I'll admit it, I'm writing this for me! I just wanted to share it with you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)