Fuck you

Dear anxiety FUCK YOU!!!!! 

That is all 

Recording physiological stuff

Just wanted to note down symptoms as this illness is not clearing up. My naturopath has been amazing with getting my iron up my asthma so much better that I'm amazed and my digestion continues to improve dramatically, though dairy is still out. 

The fatigue and joint pain continues however.

Before surgery I attempted going to the gym early morning but the pain in my legs and thighs was beyond what I could stand, so afternoons is now my only exercise time. 

The level of exhaustion I've had in the last three days has astonished me: I've been unable to open my eyes in the morning and yesterday I sat at the kitchen table for an hour before I had the energy to make breakfast (normally I can eat before I'm even awake lol). 

This morning I'd had 7 hours sleep, went back for two more and I'm still finding it hard to move. 

There seems to be definite ebbs and flows of this so I thought I'd note them down 

Now to find the energy to make breakfast! 

My relationship with food has changed

Food has been an enduring issue for me over my life, as has my body size and shape (funnily enough not my height, I don't mind being pocket sized!)
So firstly, food.
Food for me has been the source of great pleasure and great discomfort when I ate too much lol! I have always enjoyed food, but for the last 10+ years I've suffered horrid heartburn and was placed on antacids to combat it. I still suffered heart burn from sweet or highly fatty foods anyhow. It seems that over those years, the antacids turned off my stomachs ability to properly digest food and minerals. Then I found my miracle naturopath and we began a journey of healing my gut and getting off the antacids, which I finally did about 6 weeks ago.

Confessions: I have been a secret eater for much of my adult life. I've had periods of time where I didn't because I was determined to lose weight and I did. However...the old habits would return. About 6 years ago I saw a nutritionist and a psychologist who specialised in disordered eating; after this I had an improved relationship with food and tended to eat what I wanted but in front of people.

I felt sick a lot. High sugar high fat foods were somehow satisfying a need I had. Then when I started seeing Hannah, my naturopath, we started some work on food that was focussed on healing my gut and digestive problems as well as the very low iron I was experiencing. This has dramatically improved my enjoyment of food and my dependence on sugar. 

I still have things I'm not really supposed to but not often. 

I'm glad of these food changes 

Ism's in the queer community

Something I've been thinking about for a while and I found this article states it beautifully
http://www.prettyqueer.com/2012/12/07/on-ableism-within-queer-spaces-or-queering-the-normal/#more-4516

the undiagnosed/undiagnosable/unfindable illness

Am I crazy? Or, am I going crazy?
That's what it feels like to live with pain, fatigue and have no answers.

Since February last year I have had a myriad of illnesses, joint pain, anaemia, digestive issues WAY out of the ordinary, and then I became unable to eat lots of different food. It seemed we had an answer when the anaemia was diagnosed, and I have had a rise in my iron levels though it's very slow and it is still fluctuating.

Through most of last year I had horrid aching pain in the base of my thumbs and my wrists, then my elbows and ankles. I've had xrays, blood tests, you name it = nothing. Well it turns out that all of a sudden I also have high blood pressure too. The doctor has checked for lots of stuff and my amazing naturopath has helped so much and it feels like the symptoms are being managed, until a new one pops up that is.

About 3 months ago the tops of my thighs (the leg joint) began aching and now they hurt so much that I have to lift my legs up to put my shoes on and if I sit too long in the car or in my chair at work I become so sore and stiff that it's hard to walk.
On my last trip to the Dr he suggested I see a psychiatrist, which I'm happy to do, and there has been a suggestion that this might be stress related. I can see that stress can cause a lot of things, but this persistent pain and anaemia seem out of the realm of the possible there; I can't make my iron stores low by being too busy! AND they seem to be having a very hard time getting into the normal range.

I'm seriously frustrated because I know I'm having a lot of physical symptoms and it's actually the cause of me feeling down and unsociable (mostly). I do have some psychological 'stuff' I have to deal with and I'm doing that with herbal meds and seeing a counselor, but I just want someone to tell me I'm not going crazy and that something is actually wrong, something that can be fixed!

So, what can I DO now? The wondrous people in  my life don't let me be a shithead and wallow in my self pity, even when I REALLY REALLY want to! (you know who you are :) )
So after a week of a few meltdowns (some heavy uni work and no sleep didn't help), I've decided the old saying 'If it is to be, it is up to me', is all I CAN take control of right now.
I definitely am unhappy due to working too much, never having down time, and clearly this health issue is having some effect on my mental health. I have however, stopped my online teaching as of last week, so now I can focus just on my PhD and have some relaxo time. 
What can I do? All the good sources say that most illness will improve with better eating and exercise, so I can focus on that. I'm detoxing from anything outside of protein, veg, fruit and nuts right now, plus starting Tai Chi tomorrow and meditation wednesday, as well as seeing a counsellor and a naturopath. 

I'm going to do what I can first and maybe that will either make it go away or possibly highlight it further. 

Either way, I have to get out of this stupid rut and start really REALLY be good and loving to myself, starting......NOW! 

Billy 

Ultrasound and a crap day

I went for the horrid internal ultrasound today, the technician was really lovely and chatted with me in an easy friendly way. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant but I made it! 

However, the ultrasound showed nothing at all, my recent bloodwork is fine and nothing at all is showing up as abnormal. 

I've spent one week with revolting cramps coming every ten minutes as well as some 'other' symptoms. 

This is very confusing, I'm awaiting a call from my gp now and hope that we can find out what the hell is going on! 

When I got home my bedroom door had been accidentally locked and so I couldn't get in to keep working on my thesis, total fail day!! 

Avoiding transphobia at the cost of my health

When I was 17 I gave birth to an unplanned child, she is now 24 and has a 4 year old and I love them both dearly. For this reason I'm glad a mistake of the universe gave me ovaries instead of testes, though if I could change it, any person on the earth should be able to gestate and give birth should they choose.

Anyhow, for the last few days it has felt like someone has kicked me in both ovaries. Here's my confession; I went to the dr yesterday about this awful virus/infection I have but I did not address this ovary pain issue with the dr for two reasons; one he wasn't my regular dr and I have a healthy fear of transphobia (which is alive and well in health care) and two there were about a million people waiting to see this poor dr who was the only one on duty and running round like a mad man!
Add to that I feel I was given the wrong body bits and that a dr will have to discuss and possibly touch those bits.
Fortunately I've been able to get in to my wonderful Dr this afternoon and my lovely partner will come with me and hold my hand.
I'm not the only transgender person to have these fears and out off health checks till the last minute, these are well documented
It sucks really

Over and out