Depression, sudden, unexpected, coming out the other side and NVC .

Bit of a summary of this year really; warning, it's long!

 FEELING BLUE
I'm not an expert on depression. I have been a social worker and a counsellor though, and in many ways I think this is a barrier to acknowledging mental health issues in myself, as many other people in the welfare/social work fields agree (I nearly put a reference in here, but I'm tired of looking for references lol!)

WHAT'S HAPPENED
So, December last year I moved to Sydney, something I've been longing to do for many years. The first 2 months were spent finishing up some work for AGA, teaching a small number of summer students and desperately looking for a part time job to add to teaching so I wouldn't have to go back to Canberra! Really stressful as I didn't have enough money to live on. I had to borrow money from mum a couple of times (thanks mum!) I finally started work at a surgical rehab hospital and found out that yes, yes I HATED being a social worker! They were lovely, really good to me but it was just a realisation that I didn't want to do that anymore. I left after 2 months and went back to just teaching - fortunately I had enough students to ensure I could pay my bills AND eat!

BAD STUFF
In the middle of February a bunch of guys had a go at me on the street (as noted in this posting http://billystspot.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/unpleasant-evening-harassment-and.html ) and I had a pretty bad time for a while, worrying about going out, looking for their faces everywhere. I even hired a treadmill so I could walk inside! This is the first time anything like that has happened to me. I spoke with a counsellor from ACON and was really helped by him.

IN THE MEAN TIME
I was down a lot, I didn't really recognise this beast as depression is not something I've really dealt with, being Mr sunshine most of my life. I had days where I found it so hard to move, so hard to focus on what I was supposed to do. I ATE ...a lot of sweet things, I put on weight. I was a bit tetchy and I didn't want to go out or talk to people. I sat in my pj's and worked from home and avoided people. I was miserable. YET at the same time, the relationship with my partner Jayke is something I never expected to happen, being in love is something I had given up on, yet here he was, full of wonder, love and adorableness +++++++++! ( I questioned myself as a poly queer, can I be THIS much in love with one person? Yes I can. I'll blog about that another time.) So I haven't lived in a swampy cave of misery, there's just been a lot of it.

GRIEF
Some of what has surfaced in this time is grief. Grief for my little brother who died when I was 6, grief for the brother I never thought I'd speak to again (yay he has contacted me!), grief for the relationship I was in last year that ended up being less than good for me, and grief for feeling like I haven't been a good parent, in addition to adjusting to a huge city and whole new way of life! My daughter also had some rough times which sent both myself and Jayke to Canberra at various times. ( I won't elaborate, that's her story. Needless to say since then she has been AMAZING and I'm so damn proud of her!) I had to let the sadness unfold, it's healthier than ignoring it. I did, I cried, I was sad, it's ok.

HORMONES
I swapped from reandron at this time because it was making me miserable AND a sugar addict. I swapped to primoteston - apparently in a cotton seed ester which caused my stomach to swell and my asthma to become unmanageable! Now I'm back on sustanon which is in limited supply and I spend my time worrying what I will do if there isn't any, as there don't seem to be any alternatives I can take!

MASTERS DEGREE
In the midst of all this happening, I am also trying to finish writing my masters thesis, which for various reasons didn't turn out how I wanted. However, a running trip to Melbourne for a uni stats course and a really helpful teacher have helped me get it back on track and now I sit at my desk running statistical analyses and writing, soon to submit it!

NVC HELPED
Jayke and, along with some friends, attended a 6 session course called 'Non violent communication'. It's not really about violence, it's about learning how to state our needs, hear other people's needs and express them all without anger or judgement. It was hard for me to go sometimes, I was in such a bad place. It was however one of the best things that has happened to me this year, go if you can! Kate who runs it here is just WONDERFUL! http://nvcaustralia.com/

WHY I'M WRITING THIS
Well, I feel like to fog is lifting now, I am getting an urge to see people, so that's a good sign. I am eternally grateful to Jayke, he has been there through this incredibly rough time, he is a wonder to behold. He's also quite good at cooking and helping me see that I'm ok. Thanks Jayke and to Mum, Melker and Kristen for being there for me, oh and a special mention to Teddy as he single handedly talked me through the difficulties with my thesis and helped get my positive brain back :) Mr Sunshine, signing off for now.

Weight loss - it has to happen!

So I need to lose weight for the following reasons;
1. My asthma will improve
2. There is a strong history of heart disease in my family
3. My body feels physically uncomfortable
4. I can't wear the clothes I want!

So, my Mum has offered to give me $5 per kilo I lose and Melker has offered $1 per kilo, Jayke is supporting me in other ways :) The cash will go toward my chest surgery tidy up in ...well as soon as I can!

Here is my counter, it'll keep me honest and you guys can see how I'm going!






So it turns out that writing a thesis, amongst other things is not a great time to focus on
weight loss...

however I have to move this weight, for my heart, my asthma and all the clothes hanging in my
cupboard that I simply can't wear right now!!!

I'm in a funk!

CHIP IN!!!

An unpleasant evening; harassment and asthma

This is a blog for me to try to unpack and process what happened last night.

It began at the end of a stressful day; trying to plan how I'll manage my time with two part time jobs and a masters thesis to write, writing a PhD application, getting the 2nd speeding ticket of my life costing nearly $300 and 4 points off my license...I thought a walk in a beautiful evening might be good, my lover agreed! I was really enjoying my walk until I started to feel quite wheezy, with two puffs of bricanyl not helping very much. As I was heading up a street I saw what I thought were two gay guys getting it on, on the other side of the road...soon it became clear that my asthma was not ok and I turned back.

As I turned around I noted that the two men had become a group of 4 or 5, but kept on walking. All of a sudden I noticed movement in my peripheral vision and saw one of the young men had crossed the road and was talking to me. I took out my headphones to hear him asking me if I'd like a drink of 'sprite'...given his weavings, I assumed it wasn't sprite. I was polite and said no thankyou and kept walking slowly, he then asked me if I'd like to go out with them and to get ready in 5 minutes, to which I also said no thankyou and kept walking.

As I walked away they began yelling out 'faggot, scared of a gay bashing hey?' and other similar things. 
This continued all the way up the street, a good 2-300 meters. My heart was racing, I was terrified they were going to follow me and bash/rape me. I was terrified. I turned the corner 9not in the direction of going home as I didn't want to lead them that way) and called got on my phone to call Jayke and Melker. I crossed over the main road and tried to hover about some of the homes that were lit up and waited to be picked up.
Terror, fear, horror, trembling are all words close to what I was feeling. I was thinking that I was lucky they didn't know I was trans* as well! I was thinking Canberra seems so much safer, ten years as an out lesbian and 2 as a queer trans guy and hardly a comment.


The boys picked me up in the car and headed home...I began to realise that my asthma was not good and we went to Canterbury Hospital. The reception at the hospital was strange; the triage nurse didn't seem to have any idea what to do! When I finally made it to the bed area, the nurse helped me into a robe...making sure he held out the robe so he could gaze at my chest weirdly. He was unresponsive and unpleasant...turns out he was a temp nurse and Jayke called him on it by getting his name and details (aka we might dob on you) he became more pleasant :)








The rest of the staff were pretty good, there were queers everywhere and  a really fun Matron. Melker and Jayke made the whole experience fun by being silly and making everyone laugh! It certainly took my mind off things for a while. After a number of nebulisers and 50mg of prednisone, a clear chest x-ray and a couple of hours, they sent me home with drugs. I struggled to get to sleep and woke up at 5 unable to get back to sleep.


TODAY: 
I feel scared to go out in my own suburb. They live here, just down the road. I don't want to feel afraid, but I am! I am aware that in terms of harassment, this is quite a small thing...I wasn't bashed or anything...however I am still scared!
I have been lucky so far to avoid anything like this, and i feel my foundations of safety have been shaken. I hate feeling this way.


I want to go out and pump iron at the gym, go to self defense classes, whatever...anything to stop me looking small and 'gettable'. I want it to not matter that I'm trans* or queer, I want to not feel afraid.


Billy - feeling a little less than confident

NERD!!!!

Just for the hell of it, I took a nerd test...results are DORKY NERD KING HAHAHA!!

2012, the year of getting fit and healthy!

It's time....after my chest surgery last year, I have put on a few kilos...time to shift them!
I'm using a combination of logging my food on myfitnesspal as well as cutting out sugar and following
some good hard workouts!
I've lost just over 2 kilos so far...my goal is for around 65 kilos (I'm just over 91 right now) but my first short goal is 80kg. I almost made it last year....but then after being inactive after surgery, I put it back on!!

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Being myself

So, I've been ruminating on this quite a bit, what it means to be me. This is not especially about being trans*, but more about my personality. Over the course of my life so many people have tried to stifle me, control me, stop me from being me. I know why, not many people can handle my need to be busy, have fun and socialise.
I know my personality is big, I know it shits or scares some people and for that reason I've spent years thinking about trying to change it, or actually trying to be different.

NO MORE

I am me.
I'm loud, bold, straight forward and a bit naughty. Guess what?
Not changing. I mean if there are serious things that need to be address then yes I will, I see a counsellor
and she helps keep me on track and address change where it is needed, however, the core of my personality is who I am and I LOVE ME!

Just my self reflection for today :)