This is a blog for me to try to unpack and process what happened last night.
It began at the end of a stressful day; trying to plan how I'll manage my time with two part time jobs and a masters thesis to write, writing a PhD application, getting the 2nd speeding ticket of my life costing nearly $300 and 4 points off my license...I thought a walk in a beautiful evening might be good, my lover agreed! I was really enjoying my walk until I started to feel quite wheezy, with two puffs of bricanyl not helping very much. As I was heading up a street I saw what I thought were two gay guys getting it on, on the other side of the road...soon it became clear that my asthma was not ok and I turned back.
As I turned around I noted that the two men had become a group of 4 or 5, but kept on walking. All of a sudden I noticed movement in my peripheral vision and saw one of the young men had crossed the road and was talking to me. I took out my headphones to hear him asking me if I'd like a drink of 'sprite'...given his weavings, I assumed it wasn't sprite. I was polite and said no thankyou and kept walking slowly, he then asked me if I'd like to go out with them and to get ready in 5 minutes, to which I also said no thankyou and kept walking.
This continued all the way up the street, a good 2-300 meters. My heart was racing, I was terrified they were going to follow me and bash/rape me. I was terrified. I turned the corner 9not in the direction of going home as I didn't want to lead them that way) and called got on my phone to call Jayke and Melker. I crossed over the main road and tried to hover about some of the homes that were lit up and waited to be picked up.
Terror, fear, horror, trembling are all words close to what I was feeling. I was thinking that I was lucky they didn't know I was trans* as well! I was thinking Canberra seems so much safer, ten years as an out lesbian and 2 as a queer trans guy and hardly a comment.
The boys picked me up in the car and headed home...I began to realise that my asthma was not good and we went to Canterbury Hospital. The reception at the hospital was strange; the triage nurse didn't seem to have any idea what to do! When I finally made it to the bed area, the nurse helped me into a robe...making sure he held out the robe so he could gaze at my chest weirdly. He was unresponsive and unpleasant...turns out he was a temp nurse and Jayke called him on it by getting his name and details (aka we might dob on you) he became more pleasant :)
The rest of the staff were pretty good, there were queers everywhere and a really fun Matron. Melker and Jayke made the whole experience fun by being silly and making everyone laugh! It certainly took my mind off things for a while. After a number of nebulisers and 50mg of prednisone, a clear chest x-ray and a couple of hours, they sent me home with drugs. I struggled to get to sleep and woke up at 5 unable to get back to sleep.
TODAY:
I feel scared to go out in my own suburb. They live here, just down the road. I don't want to feel afraid, but I am! I am aware that in terms of harassment, this is quite a small thing...I wasn't bashed or anything...however I am still scared!
I have been lucky so far to avoid anything like this, and i feel my foundations of safety have been shaken. I hate feeling this way.
I want to go out and pump iron at the gym, go to self defense classes, whatever...anything to stop me looking small and 'gettable'. I want it to not matter that I'm trans* or queer, I want to not feel afraid.
Billy - feeling a little less than confident
