Bit of a summary of this year really; warning, it's long!
FEELING BLUE
I'm not an expert on depression. I have been a social worker and a counsellor though, and in many ways I think this is a barrier to acknowledging mental health issues in myself, as many other people in the welfare/social work fields agree (I nearly put a reference in here, but I'm tired of looking for references lol!)
WHAT'S HAPPENED
So, December last year I moved to Sydney, something I've been longing to do for many years. The first 2 months were spent finishing up some work for AGA, teaching a small number of summer students and desperately looking for a part time job to add to teaching so I wouldn't have to go back to Canberra! Really stressful as I didn't have enough money to live on. I had to borrow money from mum a couple of times (thanks mum!)
I finally started work at a surgical rehab hospital and found out that yes, yes I HATED being a social worker! They were lovely, really good to me but it was just a realisation that I didn't want to do that anymore. I left after 2 months and went back to just teaching - fortunately I had enough students to ensure I could pay my bills AND eat!
BAD STUFF
In the middle of February a bunch of guys had a go at me on the street (as noted in this posting http://billystspot.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/unpleasant-evening-harassment-and.html ) and I had a pretty bad time for a while, worrying about going out, looking for their faces everywhere. I even hired a treadmill so I could walk inside! This is the first time anything like that has happened to me. I spoke with a counsellor from ACON and was really helped by him.
IN THE MEAN TIME
I was down a lot, I didn't really recognise this beast as depression is not something I've really dealt with, being Mr sunshine most of my life. I had days where I found it so hard to move, so hard to focus on what I was supposed to do.
I ATE ...a lot of sweet things, I put on weight. I was a bit tetchy and I didn't want to go out or talk to people.
I sat in my pj's and worked from home and avoided people. I was miserable. YET at the same time, the relationship with my partner Jayke is something I never expected to happen, being in love is something I had given up on, yet here he was, full of wonder, love and adorableness +++++++++! ( I questioned myself as a poly queer, can I be THIS much in love with one person? Yes I can. I'll blog about that another time.) So I haven't lived in a swampy cave of misery, there's just been a lot of it.
GRIEF
Some of what has surfaced in this time is grief. Grief for my little brother who died when I was 6, grief for the brother I never thought I'd speak to again (yay he has contacted me!), grief for the relationship I was in last year that ended up being less than good for me, and grief for feeling like I haven't been a good parent, in addition to adjusting to a huge city and whole new way of life! My daughter also had some rough times which sent both myself and Jayke to Canberra at various times. ( I won't elaborate, that's her story. Needless to say since then she has been AMAZING and I'm so damn proud of her!)
I had to let the sadness unfold, it's healthier than ignoring it. I did, I cried, I was sad, it's ok.
HORMONES
I swapped from reandron at this time because it was making me miserable AND a sugar addict. I swapped to primoteston - apparently in a cotton seed ester which caused my stomach to swell and my asthma to become unmanageable! Now I'm back on sustanon which is in limited supply and I spend my time worrying what I will do if there isn't any, as there don't seem to be any alternatives I can take!
MASTERS DEGREE
In the midst of all this happening, I am also trying to finish writing my masters thesis, which for various reasons didn't turn out how I wanted. However, a running trip to Melbourne for a uni stats course and a really helpful teacher have helped me get it back on track and now I sit at my desk running statistical analyses and writing, soon to submit it!
NVC HELPED
Jayke and, along with some friends, attended a 6 session course called 'Non violent communication'. It's not really about violence, it's about learning how to state our needs, hear other people's needs and express them all without anger or judgement. It was hard for me to go sometimes, I was in such a bad place. It was however one of the best things that has happened to me this year, go if you can! Kate who runs it here is just WONDERFUL! http://nvcaustralia.com/
WHY I'M WRITING THIS
Well, I feel like to fog is lifting now, I am getting an urge to see people, so that's a good sign.
I am eternally grateful to Jayke, he has been there through this incredibly rough time, he is a wonder to behold. He's also quite good at cooking and helping me see that I'm ok.
Thanks Jayke and to Mum, Melker and Kristen for being there for me, oh and a special mention to Teddy as he single handedly talked me through the difficulties with my thesis and helped get my positive brain back :)
Mr Sunshine,
signing off for now.
