The cracked ribs month in review

Well here I am in week 5 with one broken and a few fractured ribs. The pain is like very little else I've experienced really, but as many people said at some point the pain just suddenly reduces and yep, that happened this week yay!!

Firstly though I had to experience an unpleasant reaction to the hefty painkillers and ended up at the hospital with a splinted diaphragm (read squished), followed by 3 days of not breathing so great! 

It has been an interesting time, I can't think of many other times in my life when I could lie still for three weeks and not want to get up! Apparently my body needed a break and hence I'm seeing the fall at the park as a ploy from my inner psyche to get some rest.

It has given me time to reflect on what I really want from life. I don't know the answer to that question yet however, but I'm working on it!

Injury and phd

I'm now into my 4th week of horrid pain from my fractured rib and pain killers rule my waking hours. I don't sleep well at any time and tend to have short sleeps then watch some Star Trek then have more short sleep. 

I'm mid communication with my supervisors about this time off and I know it's going to have an affect on my study, but I can't do much about it. The pain means I can't function and the medication dulls my brain and makes me sleepy, so driving to uni and studying isn't really possible. 

I feel some stress about it, I feel like I'm failing and should just harden up and get to uni. This year has been incredibly stressful and I think this time off gives me a chance to regroup and refocus as well. 

I know I've got my own shit but for some reason this just makes me feel like a terrible person, I'm trying to work through it but I'm just feeling down about it today 

Fractured rib; an interesting experience of doing nothing

Nearly two weeks ago I fell off a spinning circle thingy at a playground onto my back. The pain that arrived the next morning was so bad that moving made me cry - something I don't do much these days. 

After two weeks, two CT scans, physio and a final hand on rib examination it turns out I have a fractured rib and strained intercostal muscles, very painful!!  One of the most painful experiences I've had so far. 

So initially I was in agony in my back from all the muscle damage and my chest from the fracture, and I spent a week in agony in a haze of panadeine forte and only being able to lie on my left side, sleeping on my right side felt like sleeping on knives, at least I know why now! During this time we were staying with my partners sister and brother in law due to bush fires near out home, so I was negotiating a three story town house, not fun with chest and back pain, however I'm very grateful for their hospitality. Fortunately they have a cat, which made me feel better 😃

So now it's almost two weeks I've been in searing pain and I didn't find out about the break till yesterday, least I know what I'm dealing with! 

What this has meant is doing very little, mostly resting in bed and watching movies. Even holding a book hurts as I'm a heavy right hand user and my right lower rib is the injured one. Doing nothing is usually quite a challenge for me but it hasn't been that hard this time, I suspect because of the pain but also because I'm much better at being still these days. 

I've watched all manner of astronomy and astrophysics documentaries and loved them all! 

I've also noticed some disturbing trends in chick flicks and romcoms that may play into rape culture, but I'll talk about that another time,

Over and out

Billy 

OCD and intrusive thoughts - yeah I'm outing myself here!

About two or three weeks ago I saw a psychiatrist who suggested I might have ocd, he wasn't particularly 'into' a label, he said he prefers to treat symptoms and avoid labels (I think labels can help get adequate support, but that's about it). He offered me Prozac but said it was my decision and that I should do some research first...he didn't seem keen to really push it. 

I pulled out the sheet of info on it he gave me today and started googling...yeah that's what I do at 6am, don't you? 

I looked over and over the symptoms of OCD and I felt some shock as I saw myself there....not just one of those 'oh that sounds like me' moments...more like OH. HOLY.SHIT.I SEE NOW. 
There is one particularly defining symptom that I have been unable to discuss, and now I know why: it is intrusive thoughts that make me feel like I'm a bad person. People with OCD often eliminate talking about those with therapists because the thoughts tell them it's true, you ARE bad! 

So I might imagine that I'm going to hurt someone, like maybe I'm actually a murderer but I don't know it! I know sounds crazy right? Other thoughts include an ongoing vision that I will crash my car deliberately when I'm driving, or that I've actually really hurt someone in the past but I'm unaware of it and soon I'll be arrested. It really sounds off the wall right? But that's what my head does and it makes me not want to hear bad stories because they remind me that I must be one of those bad people. 
My therapist, (in true Good Will Hunting style) tells me all the time I'm not a bad person and deep down I KNOW that...it's the stuffed up wiring in my head doing this! 

Apparently this is caused by a mix of genetics, differences in brain structure and traumatic childhood events. So onto that, have I talked about this? I might have let me check....oh yeah, I did here http://billystspot.blogspot.com.au/search?updated-max=2012-11-01T09:12:00%2B11:00&max-results=7&start=7&by-date=false

So yeah, I had trauma....

The questions that now arise in my mind are: 

• Do I take the prozac or not? Maybe it'll help us all....I want relief from the thoughts and also maybe it'll help with uni as some people suffering OCD symptoms can have low self esteem and don't cope with criticism (it's a self fullfilling, self perpetuating cycle). For me, criticism sends me into a tail spin..and that's how I end up having a crap weekend and giving Jayke a hard time (I don't mean it though)
• What now? When I have a good cracking debate or argument...will it be because I'm obsessing over things? Will I know when I'm being obsessive but I won't know it because I'm thinking to myself 'oh you're just obsessing Billy, they must be right' HOW WILL I KNOW?????

I feel so angry about it right now...when I talked to people who've known me as a child and throughout my life they agree that OCD fits - and ADHD is a well known co-morbidity and everyone knows I have that!

I can't quite get all my thoughts out on it right now...but I'm going to follow up with a chat with my therapist and my Dr as soon as I can. 

My last question is this: how the hell do I get the last 4 days back! I've been in a super bad headspace and now my work is behind and due soon....tail spin has long lasting effects....

*cranky human being out* 

UPDATE:
I ruminated about it and decided to go with taking the medication, I feel like I need to give it a go and I need a break from the exhaustion of my brain. I know that CBT will help too but I just need some extra help right now. If it doesn't work for me well that's life, and I don't have to be on it forever...it's not a life sentence! Took my first one day (only 10mg for a week first)
I'll update as time goes on :) 

Living with constant pain

Last night I was discussing this a little bit with Jayke, then musing over it this morning, then as I went out to the laundry to put on some washing I stumbled on an uneven paver. I didn't fall I just had to right myself again, but every time I do this my leg and thigh muscles naturally pull together to keep me upright and when they do I end up in agony. This time was worse and for the first time, I'm left with ongoing pain. Usually it dissipates after a minute or two but not today. 

I know lots of people live with ongoing pain and find a way to cope and be happy, and if I just knew what is WAS, maybe I could do that too. Despite test after test and xrays, no-one can work out why I have these ongoing symptoms of pain, gatsro upset, fatigue and low iron. I saw a psychiatrist and he said it's common for people who've had trauma to have bodily pains and so on, but I don't think it can lower my iron to anemic levels or cause specific pain right in my leg joints that seems to be getting worse, even though my lifestyle and diet have improved dramatically. 

It leaves me confused and pissed off. After the 80k drive to uni I can hardly stand up and have to lift my legs out of the car and shuffle into the building. It takes a good half an hour for this to abate, but I still have pain and exhaustion all day. Any attempt at doing anything physical, like gardening or hanging up the washing leaves my arms exhausted. 

How do I stay positive? How do I reconcile the fact I'm now in constant pain in my body? If there was an answer as to why, perhaps there would be a treatment!

I'm tired of it, I google things all the time hoping for an answer, hoping to find something the health professionals missed. 

There are no answers and I'm just tired of it. 


P.s I need Dr House! 

To Prozac or not to Prozac, that is the question

After many months of debating if I would go, I saw a psychiatrist last Friday. He was fantastic, knowledgable and interested in the biology of the illness I've had. He also posited the illness might be caused by my brain (held memories etc).This last 18 months I've felt it was the other way round and in a way I am about to run an experiment on that.

Here's what ill do: 

I see a therapist (mostly) weekly and I can attribute a lot of how I'm shifting on things to him. Gestalt therapy seems to work for me like nothing else has really, so...

firstly I'll keep seeing him while I can and keep growing in self awareness and working on my stuff

Secondly I'll finish this detox off in 8 weeks and see if some of the pain and other symptoms improve 

Thirdly I'll go to meditation twice a week, Tuesdays and Saturdays and 

fourthly I'll deliberately schedule in time to just chill out and give time to me when I 'feel like' I should be doing something else and follow some self care advice. 

I'll also do some walking 4-5 times a week 

So at least once a week I'll come and update on my blog to keep a record and see what happens. 

If it turns out I need the meds.... Well I do! 

UPDATE: last Friday I stopped taking St. John's wort and the herbal neurocalm, I was preparing to take the Prozac. Turns out I may not need those either. I've felt happier and more relaxed since then almost no anxiety (perhaps the increasing anxiety was a side effect of St. John's wort). The other changes: getting minimum 7-8 hours sleep, mediation both at home and at a local Buddhist centre, and some gentle walks have helped immensely, plus no sugar or packaged foods.  This is the happiest and calmest I've felt in ages. I must attribute a lot if this to the work with my counsellor...life changing stuff! I've taken on his challenge of giving myself the right to do things I want to do, the right to self care and self love.... This I suspect is helping too :)

My body aches seem to have been worsening in the last month, I'm not sure why but ill see how I am in the next few weeks as I progress with the detox 

Billy

UPDATE:
Due to some early week mad rushing, I've taken 2 days off the detox but I'll be back on tomorrow.
About 3 weeks ago I noticed my right eyelid starting to twitch and put it down to tiredness...but now that I've been maintaining a good 7-8 hours a night it should reduce. However it is becoming a bit intrusive.

Reflexivity - I'm keeping a reflexive journal for my PhD research and I need to just put it out there....I'm WAY too binary about things...yes yes I know you all know that! For me this is a big challenge and I think it works together with the 'unravelling' work I'm doing with my counsellor...perhaps together these two things will help me see the middle ground...the blurry bits that DRIVE ME NUTS!!!! :D

Fuck you

Dear anxiety FUCK YOU!!!!! 

That is all 

Recording physiological stuff

Just wanted to note down symptoms as this illness is not clearing up. My naturopath has been amazing with getting my iron up my asthma so much better that I'm amazed and my digestion continues to improve dramatically, though dairy is still out. 

The fatigue and joint pain continues however.

Before surgery I attempted going to the gym early morning but the pain in my legs and thighs was beyond what I could stand, so afternoons is now my only exercise time. 

The level of exhaustion I've had in the last three days has astonished me: I've been unable to open my eyes in the morning and yesterday I sat at the kitchen table for an hour before I had the energy to make breakfast (normally I can eat before I'm even awake lol). 

This morning I'd had 7 hours sleep, went back for two more and I'm still finding it hard to move. 

There seems to be definite ebbs and flows of this so I thought I'd note them down 

Now to find the energy to make breakfast! 

My relationship with food has changed

Food has been an enduring issue for me over my life, as has my body size and shape (funnily enough not my height, I don't mind being pocket sized!)
So firstly, food.
Food for me has been the source of great pleasure and great discomfort when I ate too much lol! I have always enjoyed food, but for the last 10+ years I've suffered horrid heartburn and was placed on antacids to combat it. I still suffered heart burn from sweet or highly fatty foods anyhow. It seems that over those years, the antacids turned off my stomachs ability to properly digest food and minerals. Then I found my miracle naturopath and we began a journey of healing my gut and getting off the antacids, which I finally did about 6 weeks ago.

Confessions: I have been a secret eater for much of my adult life. I've had periods of time where I didn't because I was determined to lose weight and I did. However...the old habits would return. About 6 years ago I saw a nutritionist and a psychologist who specialised in disordered eating; after this I had an improved relationship with food and tended to eat what I wanted but in front of people.

I felt sick a lot. High sugar high fat foods were somehow satisfying a need I had. Then when I started seeing Hannah, my naturopath, we started some work on food that was focussed on healing my gut and digestive problems as well as the very low iron I was experiencing. This has dramatically improved my enjoyment of food and my dependence on sugar. 

I still have things I'm not really supposed to but not often. 

I'm glad of these food changes 

Ism's in the queer community

Something I've been thinking about for a while and I found this article states it beautifully
http://www.prettyqueer.com/2012/12/07/on-ableism-within-queer-spaces-or-queering-the-normal/#more-4516

the undiagnosed/undiagnosable/unfindable illness

Am I crazy? Or, am I going crazy?
That's what it feels like to live with pain, fatigue and have no answers.

Since February last year I have had a myriad of illnesses, joint pain, anaemia, digestive issues WAY out of the ordinary, and then I became unable to eat lots of different food. It seemed we had an answer when the anaemia was diagnosed, and I have had a rise in my iron levels though it's very slow and it is still fluctuating.

Through most of last year I had horrid aching pain in the base of my thumbs and my wrists, then my elbows and ankles. I've had xrays, blood tests, you name it = nothing. Well it turns out that all of a sudden I also have high blood pressure too. The doctor has checked for lots of stuff and my amazing naturopath has helped so much and it feels like the symptoms are being managed, until a new one pops up that is.

About 3 months ago the tops of my thighs (the leg joint) began aching and now they hurt so much that I have to lift my legs up to put my shoes on and if I sit too long in the car or in my chair at work I become so sore and stiff that it's hard to walk.
On my last trip to the Dr he suggested I see a psychiatrist, which I'm happy to do, and there has been a suggestion that this might be stress related. I can see that stress can cause a lot of things, but this persistent pain and anaemia seem out of the realm of the possible there; I can't make my iron stores low by being too busy! AND they seem to be having a very hard time getting into the normal range.

I'm seriously frustrated because I know I'm having a lot of physical symptoms and it's actually the cause of me feeling down and unsociable (mostly). I do have some psychological 'stuff' I have to deal with and I'm doing that with herbal meds and seeing a counselor, but I just want someone to tell me I'm not going crazy and that something is actually wrong, something that can be fixed!

So, what can I DO now? The wondrous people in  my life don't let me be a shithead and wallow in my self pity, even when I REALLY REALLY want to! (you know who you are :) )
So after a week of a few meltdowns (some heavy uni work and no sleep didn't help), I've decided the old saying 'If it is to be, it is up to me', is all I CAN take control of right now.
I definitely am unhappy due to working too much, never having down time, and clearly this health issue is having some effect on my mental health. I have however, stopped my online teaching as of last week, so now I can focus just on my PhD and have some relaxo time. 
What can I do? All the good sources say that most illness will improve with better eating and exercise, so I can focus on that. I'm detoxing from anything outside of protein, veg, fruit and nuts right now, plus starting Tai Chi tomorrow and meditation wednesday, as well as seeing a counsellor and a naturopath. 

I'm going to do what I can first and maybe that will either make it go away or possibly highlight it further. 

Either way, I have to get out of this stupid rut and start really REALLY be good and loving to myself, starting......NOW! 

Billy 

Ultrasound and a crap day

I went for the horrid internal ultrasound today, the technician was really lovely and chatted with me in an easy friendly way. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant but I made it! 

However, the ultrasound showed nothing at all, my recent bloodwork is fine and nothing at all is showing up as abnormal. 

I've spent one week with revolting cramps coming every ten minutes as well as some 'other' symptoms. 

This is very confusing, I'm awaiting a call from my gp now and hope that we can find out what the hell is going on! 

When I got home my bedroom door had been accidentally locked and so I couldn't get in to keep working on my thesis, total fail day!! 

Avoiding transphobia at the cost of my health

When I was 17 I gave birth to an unplanned child, she is now 24 and has a 4 year old and I love them both dearly. For this reason I'm glad a mistake of the universe gave me ovaries instead of testes, though if I could change it, any person on the earth should be able to gestate and give birth should they choose.

Anyhow, for the last few days it has felt like someone has kicked me in both ovaries. Here's my confession; I went to the dr yesterday about this awful virus/infection I have but I did not address this ovary pain issue with the dr for two reasons; one he wasn't my regular dr and I have a healthy fear of transphobia (which is alive and well in health care) and two there were about a million people waiting to see this poor dr who was the only one on duty and running round like a mad man!
Add to that I feel I was given the wrong body bits and that a dr will have to discuss and possibly touch those bits.
Fortunately I've been able to get in to my wonderful Dr this afternoon and my lovely partner will come with me and hold my hand.
I'm not the only transgender person to have these fears and out off health checks till the last minute, these are well documented
It sucks really

Over and out

Anxiety

Anxiety is a new beast to me and I'm getting a bit over it.
I am about to write stuff that will 'out' my current sense of feeling weak and vulnerable so be gentle with me!
Yesterday evening I caught a train from home to Newtown by myself, a 20 minute trip. I felt nervous about it for no particular reason but I decided I needed to do it anyhow, so I spent the whole trip shaking. I actually just want to stay home and do stuff I enjoy or get out into nature. I'm finding social gatherings incredibly difficult also, me the extrovert!! This is disturbing in itself.

One of the main problems however is that I feel shit about it. I get distressed by my own inability to function how I'd like to then I beat myself up then I feel like my friends won't want to bother with me anymore and that it will affect my relationships. Then I spiral into feeling down and more anxious. I'm seeing a counsellor but the bottom line is I feel like I'm stuck with this now and it shits me

Anyhow just wanted to share and hope that it might better explain me to anyone who's wondering where I've been lately

Billy