Sometimes I think about all the people I went to high school with and how they had their final year all together and then stayed in shepparton and are still friends. It makes me envious at times.
I think about the amazing experiences I've had, places I've lived and visited as well as the life experiences I've had and still have every day and the amazing love I'm experiencing and I wouldn't swap it for anything!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Asthma, Dr update
Following up on all the asthma mishaps of recent times
I went to the Dr a few weeks back and he gave me a stronger preventer and took a bunch of blood from me. I returned yesterday to get the results and discuss further. In the meantime, I've started to exercise again and thought the pool would be a great low impact way to do so. In the three trips I've made I've had 2 mild asthma attacks and one pretty scary one (almost went to the hospital). On the last trip to the pool in Queanbeyan, I didn't exercise I just hung out in the water with the grandling. Not only did I have another mildish asthma attack, but I also had a rash down both arms; mysterious!
So for now, no pool and only very mild walking as breathing isn't great. I'm waiting for the new meds to kick in as I only started four days ago, pretty sure I didn't take it right the first day either! Additionally, the Dr thinks the ongoing stomach swelling (causing asthma) is stress related, and I may also have an allergy to something in Sydney as it's only happened since mid February. To address this he's given me a week of prednisolone to reduce any swelling or treat any allergy and we'll go from there.
UPDATE:
5 days on the steroids now, feeling slightly better though my stomach is ridiculously swollen despite avoiding junk food and coke (until today).
I'm still pretty tired but not as bad as I was two weeks ago, who knows what the hell is going on! I just want to feel good again and get back out walking and swimming!
Billy
UPDATE 6TH NOVEMBER
Back to the Dr yesterday for blood results etc; firstly he thinks I've been harboring the giardia bug for months, hence bloating and causing my stomach to push up into my lungs causing breathing issues so today I downed 4 'smack it in the face' anti-biotics to see if I get better, I should know by tomorrow! If not we'll try a week of them then look at other possibilities.
However, the best outcome was an explanation of WHY I've been so damn tired all the time, no sleep or rest helped at all! Turns out, in his words, I'm 'slightly anemic in that my hemoglobin count was 9 and should be as noted here; 'For men, anemia is typically defined as hemoglobin level of less than 13.5 gram/100 ml and in women as hemoglobin of less than 12.0 gram/100 ml. These definitions may vary slightly depending on the source and the laboratory reference used.'
That gives me some much needed context and some hope that it may be easily solved! I have had an iron deficiency in the past that iron tablets picked up a bit - my body doesn't absorb iron well for some reason. I'm a meat eater and I LOVE and eat green leafy stuff, even throwing it in my shakes (thanks for that idea Vic). So now I'm on a two month iron tablet + vitamin c (it helps absorption when taken together) to see if that helps. There are many thoughts and much research on iron absorption and how we should get it from food etc etc, but some of us can't get it from food well enough to stay alert and awake, hence I shall take this journey and maybe this is what I'll have to do ongoing!
Fingers crossed I feel like a human again soon!
Billy bear
I went to the Dr a few weeks back and he gave me a stronger preventer and took a bunch of blood from me. I returned yesterday to get the results and discuss further. In the meantime, I've started to exercise again and thought the pool would be a great low impact way to do so. In the three trips I've made I've had 2 mild asthma attacks and one pretty scary one (almost went to the hospital). On the last trip to the pool in Queanbeyan, I didn't exercise I just hung out in the water with the grandling. Not only did I have another mildish asthma attack, but I also had a rash down both arms; mysterious!
So for now, no pool and only very mild walking as breathing isn't great. I'm waiting for the new meds to kick in as I only started four days ago, pretty sure I didn't take it right the first day either! Additionally, the Dr thinks the ongoing stomach swelling (causing asthma) is stress related, and I may also have an allergy to something in Sydney as it's only happened since mid February. To address this he's given me a week of prednisolone to reduce any swelling or treat any allergy and we'll go from there.
UPDATE:
5 days on the steroids now, feeling slightly better though my stomach is ridiculously swollen despite avoiding junk food and coke (until today).
I'm still pretty tired but not as bad as I was two weeks ago, who knows what the hell is going on! I just want to feel good again and get back out walking and swimming!
Billy
UPDATE 6TH NOVEMBER
Back to the Dr yesterday for blood results etc; firstly he thinks I've been harboring the giardia bug for months, hence bloating and causing my stomach to push up into my lungs causing breathing issues so today I downed 4 'smack it in the face' anti-biotics to see if I get better, I should know by tomorrow! If not we'll try a week of them then look at other possibilities.
However, the best outcome was an explanation of WHY I've been so damn tired all the time, no sleep or rest helped at all! Turns out, in his words, I'm 'slightly anemic in that my hemoglobin count was 9 and should be as noted here; 'For men, anemia is typically defined as hemoglobin level of less than 13.5 gram/100 ml and in women as hemoglobin of less than 12.0 gram/100 ml. These definitions may vary slightly depending on the source and the laboratory reference used.'
That gives me some much needed context and some hope that it may be easily solved! I have had an iron deficiency in the past that iron tablets picked up a bit - my body doesn't absorb iron well for some reason. I'm a meat eater and I LOVE and eat green leafy stuff, even throwing it in my shakes (thanks for that idea Vic). So now I'm on a two month iron tablet + vitamin c (it helps absorption when taken together) to see if that helps. There are many thoughts and much research on iron absorption and how we should get it from food etc etc, but some of us can't get it from food well enough to stay alert and awake, hence I shall take this journey and maybe this is what I'll have to do ongoing!
Fingers crossed I feel like a human again soon!
Billy bear
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The thesis
Doing a Master's thesis is hard, it's even harder when you have to work up to three jobs and none of those are stable. It's even harder when the supervisor seems to have it in for you. That's how my masters has unfolded anyhow.
I got my marks back today, 56%. I'm pissed off at me, the system and the supervisor. I hardly had any help from her and most of the time was flying by the seat of my pants, other students noted they were in a similar boat.
I'm glad it's over, I'm glad I passed, but I'm very disappointed at my mark. This is where I turn all the fingers at me and my inner voice tells me I'm a failure, I should have been better, I could have tried harder, you're not smart enough etc etc...and who knows, maybe some of that's true! I know I'm not a genius and that I actually have to try quite hard to get good marks. I tried really hard...so I don't know why I got such a shit mark.
I did do it in half the recommended time and had a tough subject that none of the lecturers knew about - I could have picked something easier with more qualitative content I guess...but I'm glad I got to do some research about trans* and intersex stuff.
Anyhow, here's to hoping it doesn't affect my PhD acceptance, though reading my confirmation (upon passing masters) it doesn't look like it will.
Onwards and upwards I guess.
Billy
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Fuck you asthma!
I find myself using this blog to say things I might find hard saying verbally. It's a good thing.
When I was 7, I was told I had asthma, just like that! I was sitting in school in Kyabram and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe properly. I had no idea what was going on, but I remember going to the hospital and the Dr asking mum how my asthma had been lately...she said I didn't have it, and he said well you do now!
I remember a lot about that year. We were living in Kyabram with one mum's cousins (who had also married one of dad's brothers!). Dad had gone to Queensland to work with the army up there. (Apparently, also to live with a woman, but that's another story). Just before this all unfolded, my little brother had died. He was born when I was 4 and had microcephaly, which is basically a brain that is too small and under formed. Craig wasn't meant to live longer than a few days, but he was almost 2 when he died! Craig had grand mall seizures, never cried, talked or moved...but oh how I loved him! He was so cute and chubby, and he smelled like baby powder...in my young brain, sending me to school when I was 5 was terribly cruel - taking me away from him! I'm pretty sure I made up reasons to stay home :D.
The year preceding the diagnosis of asthma was horrid, especially for a kid with no control over anything. I can only begin to imagine what my mum went through, but that's her story.
Anyhow...asthma treatment in 1978 was not fantastic; it was a nebuliser with ventolin or cortisone injections if it became worse. That first year I remember mum taking me to my cousin Libby's house to use her nebuliser as I'm pretty sure mum couldn't afford one. I had lots of tonsilitis too, so I feel like I spent the year between 6 and 7 sad or sick.
After a couple of years, a tablet became my next drug (theophylline) as well as some puffers that tasted like SHIT! I still had to be careful about sport, which has always been a trigger for me. I had to often be inside when my older brother and our friends were playing outside in the evening because it was too cold. I had to be careful not to have wet hair at night, or get when when it was cold....and so on. There were so many precautions that mum had to enforce because I was too young and/or irresponsible.
Years of sleepless nights were ahead for mum, sitting up as she watched me sleep, my breathing in a bad way...they were scary years for me too. During my early teens, the drugs began to improve and I began to be able to play sport and I got into it for a while; hockey, badminton, basketball, softball....maybe I was making up for lost time! I took up part time smoking at 12 (yeah stupid right?)At around 15/16 I found alcohol, then in the middle of my 16th year I found myself about to be a parent (yep still smoking). Turns out incubating causes wild asthma too - I had long trips to hospital that year, up to 8 days at a time. I ended up chucking in smoking at 21ish, good decision!
Eventually that all passed and the asthma drugs got better, and through my 20s I got back into sport and exercise. Once I hit about 32, the asthma started going downhill for no explainable reason.
In the last 3 years, it has become even worse. I guess the thing is, there are very few moments in my life when I breathe 100% well, when I say I have asthma, I mean that it has become worse. I never know what's going to trigger it these days, and most of the time I can't work out what did it!
Needless to say, I'm off to the Dr this morning to get a stronger preventer (with stronger side effects :/) and for a referal to an asthma/allergy centre running here.
Lung function is not great at the moment and I spend time worrying about what will trigger it next. That's the other thing; it's not just the physical stuff. When living with a life threatening illness there is psychological stuff too - about death, but also about being constantly restricted in phsyical activity. It's great to say to lose weight I need to exercise 3-4 times a week, but sometimes I'll have a week or two where I can't do anything; it gets me down and makes it much harder to maintain an exercise routine.
It's hard to have an invisible illness.
Anyhow, I'll admit it, I'm writing this for me! I just wanted to share it with you all.
When I was 7, I was told I had asthma, just like that! I was sitting in school in Kyabram and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe properly. I had no idea what was going on, but I remember going to the hospital and the Dr asking mum how my asthma had been lately...she said I didn't have it, and he said well you do now!
I remember a lot about that year. We were living in Kyabram with one mum's cousins (who had also married one of dad's brothers!). Dad had gone to Queensland to work with the army up there. (Apparently, also to live with a woman, but that's another story). Just before this all unfolded, my little brother had died. He was born when I was 4 and had microcephaly, which is basically a brain that is too small and under formed. Craig wasn't meant to live longer than a few days, but he was almost 2 when he died! Craig had grand mall seizures, never cried, talked or moved...but oh how I loved him! He was so cute and chubby, and he smelled like baby powder...in my young brain, sending me to school when I was 5 was terribly cruel - taking me away from him! I'm pretty sure I made up reasons to stay home :D.
The year preceding the diagnosis of asthma was horrid, especially for a kid with no control over anything. I can only begin to imagine what my mum went through, but that's her story.
Anyhow...asthma treatment in 1978 was not fantastic; it was a nebuliser with ventolin or cortisone injections if it became worse. That first year I remember mum taking me to my cousin Libby's house to use her nebuliser as I'm pretty sure mum couldn't afford one. I had lots of tonsilitis too, so I feel like I spent the year between 6 and 7 sad or sick.
After a couple of years, a tablet became my next drug (theophylline) as well as some puffers that tasted like SHIT! I still had to be careful about sport, which has always been a trigger for me. I had to often be inside when my older brother and our friends were playing outside in the evening because it was too cold. I had to be careful not to have wet hair at night, or get when when it was cold....and so on. There were so many precautions that mum had to enforce because I was too young and/or irresponsible.
Years of sleepless nights were ahead for mum, sitting up as she watched me sleep, my breathing in a bad way...they were scary years for me too. During my early teens, the drugs began to improve and I began to be able to play sport and I got into it for a while; hockey, badminton, basketball, softball....maybe I was making up for lost time! I took up part time smoking at 12 (yeah stupid right?)At around 15/16 I found alcohol, then in the middle of my 16th year I found myself about to be a parent (yep still smoking). Turns out incubating causes wild asthma too - I had long trips to hospital that year, up to 8 days at a time. I ended up chucking in smoking at 21ish, good decision!
Eventually that all passed and the asthma drugs got better, and through my 20s I got back into sport and exercise. Once I hit about 32, the asthma started going downhill for no explainable reason.
In the last 3 years, it has become even worse. I guess the thing is, there are very few moments in my life when I breathe 100% well, when I say I have asthma, I mean that it has become worse. I never know what's going to trigger it these days, and most of the time I can't work out what did it!
Needless to say, I'm off to the Dr this morning to get a stronger preventer (with stronger side effects :/) and for a referal to an asthma/allergy centre running here.
Lung function is not great at the moment and I spend time worrying about what will trigger it next. That's the other thing; it's not just the physical stuff. When living with a life threatening illness there is psychological stuff too - about death, but also about being constantly restricted in phsyical activity. It's great to say to lose weight I need to exercise 3-4 times a week, but sometimes I'll have a week or two where I can't do anything; it gets me down and makes it much harder to maintain an exercise routine.
It's hard to have an invisible illness.
Anyhow, I'll admit it, I'm writing this for me! I just wanted to share it with you all.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Body image etc
Body image, weight and me
I'm writing this from my own personal experiences and not from any basis of fact. ( I reflect on the fact that I wrote that as a precursor; it is due to the amount of people who now attack anyone they can on the web to tell them they're wrong, and I'm sensitive guy!) I'm being pretty open about it how it is for me, so I'd appreciate that being valued.
HISTORY
I was a bit of a skinny kid, stick legs sticking out of anything I wore. At about 11 I started getting 'tubby' and was picked on mercilessly in grade 6. I went to kids weight watchers, the only thing I remember from that was that I should limit treats to once a week. Funnily enough, by the first year of high school, that had passed, so I assume it was a pre pubescent growth spurt.
That year was pretty awful actually.
I also come from a long line of short ample people who tend to die of heart attacks, this is a bit of a scary thought!
HEALTH
As I grew up, I began a battle with weight that I just wish was over. I am a chronic asthmatic and I have a reflux problem. When I weigh less, I'm a lot healthier in both of those areas. At the moment, a walk up the stairs is totally puffing me out and making me reach for my puffer. When I was going to the gym 4 days a week, my asthma was becoming less and less worrisome, but it is now back at the stage where any exercise I do has me gasping within a minute or two. Walking is even causing me problems...this become a vicious cycle - to lose weight I must exercise.
BODY IMAGE
Given the battle I've had with my body over the years, I am very sensitive about how I look. In fact it can totally and utterly ruin a day or week and keep me from going to events. When I look in the mirror I see myself differently to how other people do, because I have a filter of self loathing, I know it's there. What makes it worse is when I can't fit into any of my clothes. Buying more is just not realistic financially and given the fact that I HATE clothes shopping; I end up miserable and hibernating (or wanting to) for days.
TRANSITION
In many ways, transitioning has helped my body image - I see my appearance now how I'd like it to be, in terms of masculinity anyhow. It has also heightended some of my body image problems (I didn't get the parts I feel like I should have). Chest surgery helped immensley! Before chest surgery I wore a binder, which happened to also keep my floppy bits under control, so I was kind of sad to not wear it anymore, but I was also happy as it made me hot and affected my breathing.
QUEER COMMUNITY
I feel totally accepted for how I look in queer communities. I also have no issues with how anyone looks in any way, I'm totally all about whether I like the person or not. Truth be told, I like people's brains and creativity, and that is what I 'see' first!
I have questioned myself whether I'm fat phobic and aiming that at myself only, I guess it's possible....but the focus is that I want to be fit and healthy, and I'm neither of those at the moment.
So, in a nutshell, that's where my head it at with that. I have tried some radical diets over the years and I know they don't work, persistence and consistency does but it is very hard to be both of those when there is only stress and no time!
Over and out
Billy
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Depression, sudden, unexpected, coming out the other side and NVC .
Bit of a summary of this year really; warning, it's long!
FEELING BLUE
I'm not an expert on depression. I have been a social worker and a counsellor though, and in many ways I think this is a barrier to acknowledging mental health issues in myself, as many other people in the welfare/social work fields agree (I nearly put a reference in here, but I'm tired of looking for references lol!)
WHAT'S HAPPENED
So, December last year I moved to Sydney, something I've been longing to do for many years. The first 2 months were spent finishing up some work for AGA, teaching a small number of summer students and desperately looking for a part time job to add to teaching so I wouldn't have to go back to Canberra! Really stressful as I didn't have enough money to live on. I had to borrow money from mum a couple of times (thanks mum!) I finally started work at a surgical rehab hospital and found out that yes, yes I HATED being a social worker! They were lovely, really good to me but it was just a realisation that I didn't want to do that anymore. I left after 2 months and went back to just teaching - fortunately I had enough students to ensure I could pay my bills AND eat!
BAD STUFF
In the middle of February a bunch of guys had a go at me on the street (as noted in this posting http://billystspot.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/unpleasant-evening-harassment-and.html ) and I had a pretty bad time for a while, worrying about going out, looking for their faces everywhere. I even hired a treadmill so I could walk inside! This is the first time anything like that has happened to me. I spoke with a counsellor from ACON and was really helped by him.
IN THE MEAN TIME
I was down a lot, I didn't really recognise this beast as depression is not something I've really dealt with, being Mr sunshine most of my life. I had days where I found it so hard to move, so hard to focus on what I was supposed to do. I ATE ...a lot of sweet things, I put on weight. I was a bit tetchy and I didn't want to go out or talk to people. I sat in my pj's and worked from home and avoided people. I was miserable. YET at the same time, the relationship with my partner Jayke is something I never expected to happen, being in love is something I had given up on, yet here he was, full of wonder, love and adorableness +++++++++! ( I questioned myself as a poly queer, can I be THIS much in love with one person? Yes I can. I'll blog about that another time.) So I haven't lived in a swampy cave of misery, there's just been a lot of it.
GRIEF
Some of what has surfaced in this time is grief. Grief for my little brother who died when I was 6, grief for the brother I never thought I'd speak to again (yay he has contacted me!), grief for the relationship I was in last year that ended up being less than good for me, and grief for feeling like I haven't been a good parent, in addition to adjusting to a huge city and whole new way of life! My daughter also had some rough times which sent both myself and Jayke to Canberra at various times. ( I won't elaborate, that's her story. Needless to say since then she has been AMAZING and I'm so damn proud of her!) I had to let the sadness unfold, it's healthier than ignoring it. I did, I cried, I was sad, it's ok.
HORMONES
I swapped from reandron at this time because it was making me miserable AND a sugar addict. I swapped to primoteston - apparently in a cotton seed ester which caused my stomach to swell and my asthma to become unmanageable! Now I'm back on sustanon which is in limited supply and I spend my time worrying what I will do if there isn't any, as there don't seem to be any alternatives I can take!
MASTERS DEGREE
In the midst of all this happening, I am also trying to finish writing my masters thesis, which for various reasons didn't turn out how I wanted. However, a running trip to Melbourne for a uni stats course and a really helpful teacher have helped me get it back on track and now I sit at my desk running statistical analyses and writing, soon to submit it!
NVC HELPED
Jayke and, along with some friends, attended a 6 session course called 'Non violent communication'. It's not really about violence, it's about learning how to state our needs, hear other people's needs and express them all without anger or judgement. It was hard for me to go sometimes, I was in such a bad place. It was however one of the best things that has happened to me this year, go if you can! Kate who runs it here is just WONDERFUL! http://nvcaustralia.com/
WHY I'M WRITING THIS
Well, I feel like to fog is lifting now, I am getting an urge to see people, so that's a good sign. I am eternally grateful to Jayke, he has been there through this incredibly rough time, he is a wonder to behold. He's also quite good at cooking and helping me see that I'm ok. Thanks Jayke and to Mum, Melker and Kristen for being there for me, oh and a special mention to Teddy as he single handedly talked me through the difficulties with my thesis and helped get my positive brain back :) Mr Sunshine, signing off for now.
FEELING BLUE
I'm not an expert on depression. I have been a social worker and a counsellor though, and in many ways I think this is a barrier to acknowledging mental health issues in myself, as many other people in the welfare/social work fields agree (I nearly put a reference in here, but I'm tired of looking for references lol!)
WHAT'S HAPPENED
So, December last year I moved to Sydney, something I've been longing to do for many years. The first 2 months were spent finishing up some work for AGA, teaching a small number of summer students and desperately looking for a part time job to add to teaching so I wouldn't have to go back to Canberra! Really stressful as I didn't have enough money to live on. I had to borrow money from mum a couple of times (thanks mum!) I finally started work at a surgical rehab hospital and found out that yes, yes I HATED being a social worker! They were lovely, really good to me but it was just a realisation that I didn't want to do that anymore. I left after 2 months and went back to just teaching - fortunately I had enough students to ensure I could pay my bills AND eat!
BAD STUFF
In the middle of February a bunch of guys had a go at me on the street (as noted in this posting http://billystspot.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/unpleasant-evening-harassment-and.html ) and I had a pretty bad time for a while, worrying about going out, looking for their faces everywhere. I even hired a treadmill so I could walk inside! This is the first time anything like that has happened to me. I spoke with a counsellor from ACON and was really helped by him.
IN THE MEAN TIME
I was down a lot, I didn't really recognise this beast as depression is not something I've really dealt with, being Mr sunshine most of my life. I had days where I found it so hard to move, so hard to focus on what I was supposed to do. I ATE ...a lot of sweet things, I put on weight. I was a bit tetchy and I didn't want to go out or talk to people. I sat in my pj's and worked from home and avoided people. I was miserable. YET at the same time, the relationship with my partner Jayke is something I never expected to happen, being in love is something I had given up on, yet here he was, full of wonder, love and adorableness +++++++++! ( I questioned myself as a poly queer, can I be THIS much in love with one person? Yes I can. I'll blog about that another time.) So I haven't lived in a swampy cave of misery, there's just been a lot of it.
GRIEF
Some of what has surfaced in this time is grief. Grief for my little brother who died when I was 6, grief for the brother I never thought I'd speak to again (yay he has contacted me!), grief for the relationship I was in last year that ended up being less than good for me, and grief for feeling like I haven't been a good parent, in addition to adjusting to a huge city and whole new way of life! My daughter also had some rough times which sent both myself and Jayke to Canberra at various times. ( I won't elaborate, that's her story. Needless to say since then she has been AMAZING and I'm so damn proud of her!) I had to let the sadness unfold, it's healthier than ignoring it. I did, I cried, I was sad, it's ok.
HORMONES
I swapped from reandron at this time because it was making me miserable AND a sugar addict. I swapped to primoteston - apparently in a cotton seed ester which caused my stomach to swell and my asthma to become unmanageable! Now I'm back on sustanon which is in limited supply and I spend my time worrying what I will do if there isn't any, as there don't seem to be any alternatives I can take!
MASTERS DEGREE
In the midst of all this happening, I am also trying to finish writing my masters thesis, which for various reasons didn't turn out how I wanted. However, a running trip to Melbourne for a uni stats course and a really helpful teacher have helped me get it back on track and now I sit at my desk running statistical analyses and writing, soon to submit it!
NVC HELPED
Jayke and, along with some friends, attended a 6 session course called 'Non violent communication'. It's not really about violence, it's about learning how to state our needs, hear other people's needs and express them all without anger or judgement. It was hard for me to go sometimes, I was in such a bad place. It was however one of the best things that has happened to me this year, go if you can! Kate who runs it here is just WONDERFUL! http://nvcaustralia.com/
WHY I'M WRITING THIS
Well, I feel like to fog is lifting now, I am getting an urge to see people, so that's a good sign. I am eternally grateful to Jayke, he has been there through this incredibly rough time, he is a wonder to behold. He's also quite good at cooking and helping me see that I'm ok. Thanks Jayke and to Mum, Melker and Kristen for being there for me, oh and a special mention to Teddy as he single handedly talked me through the difficulties with my thesis and helped get my positive brain back :) Mr Sunshine, signing off for now.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Weight loss - it has to happen!
So I need to lose weight for the following reasons;
1. My asthma will improve
2. There is a strong history of heart disease in my family
3. My body feels physically uncomfortable
4. I can't wear the clothes I want!
So, my Mum has offered to give me $5 per kilo I lose and Melker has offered $1 per kilo, Jayke is supporting me in other ways :) The cash will go toward my chest surgery tidy up in ...well as soon as I can!
Here is my counter, it'll keep me honest and you guys can see how I'm going!
So it turns out that writing a thesis, amongst other things is not a great time to focus on
weight loss...
however I have to move this weight, for my heart, my asthma and all the clothes hanging in my
cupboard that I simply can't wear right now!!!
I'm in a funk!
1. My asthma will improve
2. There is a strong history of heart disease in my family
3. My body feels physically uncomfortable
4. I can't wear the clothes I want!
So, my Mum has offered to give me $5 per kilo I lose and Melker has offered $1 per kilo, Jayke is supporting me in other ways :) The cash will go toward my chest surgery tidy up in ...well as soon as I can!
Here is my counter, it'll keep me honest and you guys can see how I'm going!
So it turns out that writing a thesis, amongst other things is not a great time to focus on
weight loss...
however I have to move this weight, for my heart, my asthma and all the clothes hanging in my
cupboard that I simply can't wear right now!!!
I'm in a funk!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
An unpleasant evening; harassment and asthma
This is a blog for me to try to unpack and process what happened last night.
It began at the end of a stressful day; trying to plan how I'll manage my time with two part time jobs and a masters thesis to write, writing a PhD application, getting the 2nd speeding ticket of my life costing nearly $300 and 4 points off my license...I thought a walk in a beautiful evening might be good, my lover agreed! I was really enjoying my walk until I started to feel quite wheezy, with two puffs of bricanyl not helping very much. As I was heading up a street I saw what I thought were two gay guys getting it on, on the other side of the road...soon it became clear that my asthma was not ok and I turned back.
As I turned around I noted that the two men had become a group of 4 or 5, but kept on walking. All of a sudden I noticed movement in my peripheral vision and saw one of the young men had crossed the road and was talking to me. I took out my headphones to hear him asking me if I'd like a drink of 'sprite'...given his weavings, I assumed it wasn't sprite. I was polite and said no thankyou and kept walking slowly, he then asked me if I'd like to go out with them and to get ready in 5 minutes, to which I also said no thankyou and kept walking.
This continued all the way up the street, a good 2-300 meters. My heart was racing, I was terrified they were going to follow me and bash/rape me. I was terrified. I turned the corner 9not in the direction of going home as I didn't want to lead them that way) and called got on my phone to call Jayke and Melker. I crossed over the main road and tried to hover about some of the homes that were lit up and waited to be picked up.
Terror, fear, horror, trembling are all words close to what I was feeling. I was thinking that I was lucky they didn't know I was trans* as well! I was thinking Canberra seems so much safer, ten years as an out lesbian and 2 as a queer trans guy and hardly a comment.
The boys picked me up in the car and headed home...I began to realise that my asthma was not good and we went to Canterbury Hospital. The reception at the hospital was strange; the triage nurse didn't seem to have any idea what to do! When I finally made it to the bed area, the nurse helped me into a robe...making sure he held out the robe so he could gaze at my chest weirdly. He was unresponsive and unpleasant...turns out he was a temp nurse and Jayke called him on it by getting his name and details (aka we might dob on you) he became more pleasant :)
The rest of the staff were pretty good, there were queers everywhere and a really fun Matron. Melker and Jayke made the whole experience fun by being silly and making everyone laugh! It certainly took my mind off things for a while. After a number of nebulisers and 50mg of prednisone, a clear chest x-ray and a couple of hours, they sent me home with drugs. I struggled to get to sleep and woke up at 5 unable to get back to sleep.
TODAY:
I feel scared to go out in my own suburb. They live here, just down the road. I don't want to feel afraid, but I am! I am aware that in terms of harassment, this is quite a small thing...I wasn't bashed or anything...however I am still scared!
I have been lucky so far to avoid anything like this, and i feel my foundations of safety have been shaken. I hate feeling this way.
I want to go out and pump iron at the gym, go to self defense classes, whatever...anything to stop me looking small and 'gettable'. I want it to not matter that I'm trans* or queer, I want to not feel afraid.
Billy - feeling a little less than confident
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
2012, the year of getting fit and healthy!
It's time....after my chest surgery last year, I have put on a few kilos...time to shift them!
I'm using a combination of logging my food on myfitnesspal as well as cutting out sugar and following
some good hard workouts!
I've lost just over 2 kilos so far...my goal is for around 65 kilos (I'm just over 91 right now) but my first short goal is 80kg. I almost made it last year....but then after being inactive after surgery, I put it back on!!
I'm using a combination of logging my food on myfitnesspal as well as cutting out sugar and following
some good hard workouts!
I've lost just over 2 kilos so far...my goal is for around 65 kilos (I'm just over 91 right now) but my first short goal is 80kg. I almost made it last year....but then after being inactive after surgery, I put it back on!!
Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods
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