Body image etc

Body image, weight and me

I'm writing this from my own personal experiences and not from any basis of fact. ( I reflect on the fact that I wrote that as a precursor; it is due to the amount of people who now attack anyone they can on the web to tell them they're wrong, and I'm sensitive guy!) I'm being pretty open about it how it is for me, so I'd appreciate that being valued.

HISTORY
I was a bit of a skinny kid, stick legs sticking out of anything I wore. At about 11 I started getting 'tubby' and was picked on mercilessly in grade 6. I went to kids weight watchers, the only thing I remember from that was that I should limit treats to once a week. Funnily enough, by the first year of high school, that had passed, so I assume it was a pre pubescent growth spurt.
That year was pretty awful actually.
I also come from a long line of short ample people who tend to die of heart attacks, this is a bit of a scary thought!

HEALTH
As I grew up, I began a battle with weight that I just wish was over. I am a chronic asthmatic and I have a reflux problem. When I weigh less, I'm a lot healthier in both of those areas. At the moment, a walk up the stairs is totally puffing me out and making me reach for my puffer. When I was going to the gym 4 days a week, my asthma was becoming less and less worrisome, but it is now back at the stage where any exercise I do has me gasping within a minute or two. Walking is even causing me problems...this become a vicious cycle - to lose weight I must exercise.

BODY IMAGE
Given the battle I've had with my body over the years, I am very sensitive about how I look. In fact it can totally and utterly ruin a day or week and keep me from going to events. When I look in the mirror I see myself differently to how other people do, because I have a filter of self loathing, I know it's there. What makes it worse is when I can't fit into any of my clothes. Buying more is just not realistic financially and given the fact that I HATE clothes shopping; I end up miserable and hibernating (or wanting to) for days.

TRANSITION
In many ways, transitioning has helped my body image - I see my appearance now how I'd like it to be, in terms of masculinity anyhow. It has also heightended some of my body image problems (I didn't get the parts I feel like I should have). Chest surgery helped immensley! Before chest surgery I wore a binder, which happened to also keep my floppy bits under control, so I was kind of sad to not wear it anymore, but I was also happy as it made me hot and affected my breathing.

QUEER COMMUNITY
I feel totally accepted for how I look in queer communities. I also have no issues with how anyone looks in any way, I'm totally all about whether I like the person or not. Truth be told, I like people's brains and creativity, and that is what I 'see' first!

I have questioned myself whether I'm fat phobic and aiming that at myself only, I guess it's possible....but the focus is that I want to be fit and healthy, and I'm neither of those at the moment.

So, in a nutshell, that's where my head it at with that. I have tried some radical diets over the years and I know they don't work, persistence and consistency does but it is very hard to be both of those when there is only stress and no time!
Over and out

Billy