Am I crazy? Or, am I going crazy?
That's what it feels like to live with pain, fatigue and have no answers.
Since February last year I have had a myriad of illnesses, joint pain, anaemia, digestive issues WAY out of the ordinary, and then I became unable to eat lots of different food. It seemed we had an answer when the anaemia was diagnosed, and I have had a rise in my iron levels though it's very slow and it is still fluctuating.
Through most of last year I had horrid aching pain in the base of my thumbs and my wrists, then my elbows and ankles. I've had xrays, blood tests, you name it = nothing. Well it turns out that all of a sudden I also have high blood pressure too. The doctor has checked for lots of stuff and my amazing naturopath has helped so much and it feels like the symptoms are being managed, until a new one pops up that is.
About 3 months ago the tops of my thighs (the leg joint) began aching and now they hurt so much that I have to lift my legs up to put my shoes on and if I sit too long in the car or in my chair at work I become so sore and stiff that it's hard to walk.
On my last trip to the Dr he suggested I see a psychiatrist, which I'm happy to do, and there has been a suggestion that this might be stress related. I can see that stress can cause a lot of things, but this persistent pain and anaemia seem out of the realm of the possible there; I can't make my iron stores low by being too busy! AND they seem to be having a very hard time getting into the normal range.
I'm seriously frustrated because I know I'm having a lot of physical symptoms and it's actually the cause of me feeling down and unsociable (mostly). I do have some psychological 'stuff' I have to deal with and I'm doing that with herbal meds and seeing a counselor, but I just want someone to tell me I'm not going crazy and that something is actually wrong, something that can be fixed!
So, what can I DO now? The wondrous people in my life don't let me be a shithead and wallow in my self pity, even when I REALLY REALLY want to! (you know who you are :) )
So after a week of a few meltdowns (some heavy uni work and no sleep didn't help), I've decided the old saying 'If it is to be, it is up to me', is all I CAN take control of right now.
I definitely am unhappy due to working too much, never having down time, and clearly this health issue is having some effect on my mental health. I have however, stopped my online teaching as of last week, so now I can focus just on my PhD and have some relaxo time.
What can I do? All the good sources say that most illness will improve with better eating and exercise, so I can focus on that. I'm detoxing from anything outside of protein, veg, fruit and nuts right now, plus starting Tai Chi tomorrow and meditation wednesday, as well as seeing a counsellor and a naturopath.
I'm going to do what I can first and maybe that will either make it go away or possibly highlight it further.
Either way, I have to get out of this stupid rut and start really REALLY be good and loving to myself, starting......NOW!
Billy
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Ultrasound and a crap day
I went for the horrid internal ultrasound today, the technician was really lovely and chatted with me in an easy friendly way. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant but I made it!
However, the ultrasound showed nothing at all, my recent bloodwork is fine and nothing at all is showing up as abnormal.
I've spent one week with revolting cramps coming every ten minutes as well as some 'other' symptoms.
This is very confusing, I'm awaiting a call from my gp now and hope that we can find out what the hell is going on!
When I got home my bedroom door had been accidentally locked and so I couldn't get in to keep working on my thesis, total fail day!!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Avoiding transphobia at the cost of my health
When I was 17 I gave birth to an unplanned child, she is now 24 and has a 4 year old and I love them both dearly. For this reason I'm glad a mistake of the universe gave me ovaries instead of testes, though if I could change it, any person on the earth should be able to gestate and give birth should they choose.
Anyhow, for the last few days it has felt like someone has kicked me in both ovaries. Here's my confession; I went to the dr yesterday about this awful virus/infection I have but I did not address this ovary pain issue with the dr for two reasons; one he wasn't my regular dr and I have a healthy fear of transphobia (which is alive and well in health care) and two there were about a million people waiting to see this poor dr who was the only one on duty and running round like a mad man!
Add to that I feel I was given the wrong body bits and that a dr will have to discuss and possibly touch those bits.
Fortunately I've been able to get in to my wonderful Dr this afternoon and my lovely partner will come with me and hold my hand.
I'm not the only transgender person to have these fears and out off health checks till the last minute, these are well documented
It sucks really
Over and out
Anyhow, for the last few days it has felt like someone has kicked me in both ovaries. Here's my confession; I went to the dr yesterday about this awful virus/infection I have but I did not address this ovary pain issue with the dr for two reasons; one he wasn't my regular dr and I have a healthy fear of transphobia (which is alive and well in health care) and two there were about a million people waiting to see this poor dr who was the only one on duty and running round like a mad man!
Add to that I feel I was given the wrong body bits and that a dr will have to discuss and possibly touch those bits.
Fortunately I've been able to get in to my wonderful Dr this afternoon and my lovely partner will come with me and hold my hand.
I'm not the only transgender person to have these fears and out off health checks till the last minute, these are well documented
It sucks really
Over and out
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Anxiety
Anxiety is a new beast to me and I'm getting a bit over it.
I am about to write stuff that will 'out' my current sense of feeling weak and vulnerable so be gentle with me!
Yesterday evening I caught a train from home to Newtown by myself, a 20 minute trip. I felt nervous about it for no particular reason but I decided I needed to do it anyhow, so I spent the whole trip shaking. I actually just want to stay home and do stuff I enjoy or get out into nature. I'm finding social gatherings incredibly difficult also, me the extrovert!! This is disturbing in itself.
One of the main problems however is that I feel shit about it. I get distressed by my own inability to function how I'd like to then I beat myself up then I feel like my friends won't want to bother with me anymore and that it will affect my relationships. Then I spiral into feeling down and more anxious. I'm seeing a counsellor but the bottom line is I feel like I'm stuck with this now and it shits me
Anyhow just wanted to share and hope that it might better explain me to anyone who's wondering where I've been lately
Billy
I am about to write stuff that will 'out' my current sense of feeling weak and vulnerable so be gentle with me!
Yesterday evening I caught a train from home to Newtown by myself, a 20 minute trip. I felt nervous about it for no particular reason but I decided I needed to do it anyhow, so I spent the whole trip shaking. I actually just want to stay home and do stuff I enjoy or get out into nature. I'm finding social gatherings incredibly difficult also, me the extrovert!! This is disturbing in itself.
One of the main problems however is that I feel shit about it. I get distressed by my own inability to function how I'd like to then I beat myself up then I feel like my friends won't want to bother with me anymore and that it will affect my relationships. Then I spiral into feeling down and more anxious. I'm seeing a counsellor but the bottom line is I feel like I'm stuck with this now and it shits me
Anyhow just wanted to share and hope that it might better explain me to anyone who's wondering where I've been lately
Billy
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
The past
Sometimes I think about all the people I went to high school with and how they had their final year all together and then stayed in shepparton and are still friends. It makes me envious at times.
I think about the amazing experiences I've had, places I've lived and visited as well as the life experiences I've had and still have every day and the amazing love I'm experiencing and I wouldn't swap it for anything!
I think about the amazing experiences I've had, places I've lived and visited as well as the life experiences I've had and still have every day and the amazing love I'm experiencing and I wouldn't swap it for anything!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Asthma, Dr update
Following up on all the asthma mishaps of recent times
I went to the Dr a few weeks back and he gave me a stronger preventer and took a bunch of blood from me. I returned yesterday to get the results and discuss further. In the meantime, I've started to exercise again and thought the pool would be a great low impact way to do so. In the three trips I've made I've had 2 mild asthma attacks and one pretty scary one (almost went to the hospital). On the last trip to the pool in Queanbeyan, I didn't exercise I just hung out in the water with the grandling. Not only did I have another mildish asthma attack, but I also had a rash down both arms; mysterious!
So for now, no pool and only very mild walking as breathing isn't great. I'm waiting for the new meds to kick in as I only started four days ago, pretty sure I didn't take it right the first day either! Additionally, the Dr thinks the ongoing stomach swelling (causing asthma) is stress related, and I may also have an allergy to something in Sydney as it's only happened since mid February. To address this he's given me a week of prednisolone to reduce any swelling or treat any allergy and we'll go from there.
UPDATE:
5 days on the steroids now, feeling slightly better though my stomach is ridiculously swollen despite avoiding junk food and coke (until today).
I'm still pretty tired but not as bad as I was two weeks ago, who knows what the hell is going on! I just want to feel good again and get back out walking and swimming!
Billy
UPDATE 6TH NOVEMBER
Back to the Dr yesterday for blood results etc; firstly he thinks I've been harboring the giardia bug for months, hence bloating and causing my stomach to push up into my lungs causing breathing issues so today I downed 4 'smack it in the face' anti-biotics to see if I get better, I should know by tomorrow! If not we'll try a week of them then look at other possibilities.
However, the best outcome was an explanation of WHY I've been so damn tired all the time, no sleep or rest helped at all! Turns out, in his words, I'm 'slightly anemic in that my hemoglobin count was 9 and should be as noted here; 'For men, anemia is typically defined as hemoglobin level of less than 13.5 gram/100 ml and in women as hemoglobin of less than 12.0 gram/100 ml. These definitions may vary slightly depending on the source and the laboratory reference used.'
That gives me some much needed context and some hope that it may be easily solved! I have had an iron deficiency in the past that iron tablets picked up a bit - my body doesn't absorb iron well for some reason. I'm a meat eater and I LOVE and eat green leafy stuff, even throwing it in my shakes (thanks for that idea Vic). So now I'm on a two month iron tablet + vitamin c (it helps absorption when taken together) to see if that helps. There are many thoughts and much research on iron absorption and how we should get it from food etc etc, but some of us can't get it from food well enough to stay alert and awake, hence I shall take this journey and maybe this is what I'll have to do ongoing!
Fingers crossed I feel like a human again soon!
Billy bear
I went to the Dr a few weeks back and he gave me a stronger preventer and took a bunch of blood from me. I returned yesterday to get the results and discuss further. In the meantime, I've started to exercise again and thought the pool would be a great low impact way to do so. In the three trips I've made I've had 2 mild asthma attacks and one pretty scary one (almost went to the hospital). On the last trip to the pool in Queanbeyan, I didn't exercise I just hung out in the water with the grandling. Not only did I have another mildish asthma attack, but I also had a rash down both arms; mysterious!
So for now, no pool and only very mild walking as breathing isn't great. I'm waiting for the new meds to kick in as I only started four days ago, pretty sure I didn't take it right the first day either! Additionally, the Dr thinks the ongoing stomach swelling (causing asthma) is stress related, and I may also have an allergy to something in Sydney as it's only happened since mid February. To address this he's given me a week of prednisolone to reduce any swelling or treat any allergy and we'll go from there.
UPDATE:
5 days on the steroids now, feeling slightly better though my stomach is ridiculously swollen despite avoiding junk food and coke (until today).
I'm still pretty tired but not as bad as I was two weeks ago, who knows what the hell is going on! I just want to feel good again and get back out walking and swimming!
Billy
UPDATE 6TH NOVEMBER
Back to the Dr yesterday for blood results etc; firstly he thinks I've been harboring the giardia bug for months, hence bloating and causing my stomach to push up into my lungs causing breathing issues so today I downed 4 'smack it in the face' anti-biotics to see if I get better, I should know by tomorrow! If not we'll try a week of them then look at other possibilities.
However, the best outcome was an explanation of WHY I've been so damn tired all the time, no sleep or rest helped at all! Turns out, in his words, I'm 'slightly anemic in that my hemoglobin count was 9 and should be as noted here; 'For men, anemia is typically defined as hemoglobin level of less than 13.5 gram/100 ml and in women as hemoglobin of less than 12.0 gram/100 ml. These definitions may vary slightly depending on the source and the laboratory reference used.'
That gives me some much needed context and some hope that it may be easily solved! I have had an iron deficiency in the past that iron tablets picked up a bit - my body doesn't absorb iron well for some reason. I'm a meat eater and I LOVE and eat green leafy stuff, even throwing it in my shakes (thanks for that idea Vic). So now I'm on a two month iron tablet + vitamin c (it helps absorption when taken together) to see if that helps. There are many thoughts and much research on iron absorption and how we should get it from food etc etc, but some of us can't get it from food well enough to stay alert and awake, hence I shall take this journey and maybe this is what I'll have to do ongoing!
Fingers crossed I feel like a human again soon!
Billy bear
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